_ENVISAS.

          ‘ my name might not be on the lease but i pay the rent. ’  he can buy whatever he wants, threads included.  ‘ what are you doing here? ’

_{elliot neglected to  mention  that he had a sugar daddy who payed all his bills.     ❛     spare some  change  for the homeless ?     ❜     you could probably weaponize the bitter sarcasm in her tone.}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{‘     so you were gettin’ yo’  thievin’ hands  all up in my  crunchberries,   too ?    p’ft    —    whatever.    i ain’t  paid  her ‘cause she ain’t  SELLIN’.    i got  standards,   li’l man.     ’}

_{❛     didn’t see yo’  name  on the box !     ❜     using her knapsack as a cushion,  she settles down comfortably and takes a sip of the hot chocolate,  free hand still holding onto a half - unwrapped mcmuffin.     ❛     ‘n they  hella  low standards,  too.    i’m just bein’ real,  yo.    no offence.     ❜}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{‘     gettin’ your  sleuth  on,   now ?    alright,   i feel you.    but one date don’t mean we’re  datin’    —    you  know  i ain’t got time for that.     ’}

_{fair assumption.     ❛     wasn’t  like  that,  asswipe.    it was ten in the mornin’ ‘n i was havin’ me a bowl of  cap’n crunch  on the couch,  watchin’ animal planet,  then out comes this chick lookin’ like she  just finished  filmin’ a damn  porno,  yo !    so ?    how much’d you pay her ?     ❜}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{‘     well seein’ as how i don’t  got  one    —    you try’na tell me there’s a new  honey  you been eyeballin’ on the sly ?    oh,   SNAP.    bullet’s got  game.     ’}

_SEPIOL.

          elliot gestures vaguely with his cigarette, pinching it between his lips and fingers and looking for words to use instead of just expecting some telepathic level of communication.  ‘ synthetic opioid. eighty times stronger than morphine. faster acting but faster to go away, too. ’  it’s funny, because -  ‘ it’s funny because right after it happened it didn’t even hurt. ’  just warmth. just my own blood.

          he stews in many of the same thoughts. elliot already had reasons to be self conscious - largely they never interrupted his life, but now they do. i don’t know what it’ll be like, the first time i’m shirtless again in front of someone who loves me, in front of someone who loves my body. elliot is still stitched and bandaged and healing and he wonders what will happen the first time that he catches up to bullet with raised pink keloid lines, too obvious to be anything other than exactly what they are.

          i hope bullet is alive years down the line to be a person with a scar instead of a scarred person. i hope she’s alive long enough that i’m forced to stop thinking of her in frightened maybes. it’s not just death or even the displacement that happens so often to homeless youth that elliot worries about; it’s himself, the distances he makes, things like the long months lapsed where he missed this shit happening.

          ‘ i know what it’s like. you know i do. ’  even beyond the things that happen to us; the way we are. weak because you got hurt. weak because you’re a girl (even if you’re not). weak because you’re rough around the edges, because you’re different. i’m very different. bullet is too. ash drops off the end of the cigarette unnoticed and elliot dusts it away from himself.  ‘ and i know you can put them in their place. ’  beat.  ‘ because they’re wrong. ’

_{sounds like a dream.    to not feel hurt when blood is pouring out of you.    she doesn’t have to  envy  that because she’s been there before and it’s exactly how he described it.    no pain.    just initial shock and trying to wrap your head around what happened while doing one of two things:  staunch the bleeding,  or stare at it until you make sense of it.}    

_{half - expects her palm to be stained with red every time she looks down.    to see it caked beneath her fingernails from where she gripped her throat after the fact and felt warmth spill between the spaces of fingers.    she wonders which he chose.    staunch,  or stare ?    did he come up with another option ?     ❛     where’d ya get hit ?    you been takin’ care of it ‘n all that,  right ?    you know gunshot wounds can get nastier than  r - kelly,  yo,  f’ rilla.     ❜}

_{she has a lot of scars  ––  not just the most recent  ––  that are littering her body underneath two layers of clothing and maybe she’ll show him one day,  because those are the ones she’s proud of.    the ones that have better  stories,  like getting glassed with a broken bottle and baiting a guard dog to see if it’ll attack    (    it did.    )    she inhales and looks at him,  listens  to him.    she  knows  he knows.}

_{and maybe that’s part of the reason she’s comforted.    elliot isn’t run of the mill like everybody else.    he gets it and she knows that but sometimes it’s hard to keep that in mind when you’re fifteen and feel like the whole  world  has turned against you.     ❛     no  shit.    just kinda pissed i can’t kick that piece of shit’s nutsack up int’ his fuckin’ throat.    guy who  did this  t’ me.    same one pickin’ off all those girls one by one.    can’t put him in his place ‘cause he’s already there,  ‘n that ain’t doin’ shit for me.     ❜     as in,  six feet underground instead of serving out a prison sentence.}

mattyddario:

Why didn’t you call me, find me, something?

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{‘     that’s just how i  roll,   playa !    say it a little louder for the haters in the back.     ’       there’s more,   in the form of  hot chocolate    —    promptly handed over.       ‘     you stayin’ outta trouble ?     ’}

_{a quiet scoff,  more than half - amused.    takes the cup with the same hand holding the bag,  then  swaps  hands for sole convenience.     ❛     you’re an idiot    ––––    ‘n i ain’t done nothin’ t’ be gettin’ in trouble  for  ‘cept bangin’ yo’ lady.     ❜}

tsarbucks:

i’m fluent in talking shit

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{‘     yo,   bullet    —     ’       he tosses her a paper bag,   folded over at the top,   its contents still warm :   hash browns and two bacon - egg - and - cheese breakfast sandwiches.       ‘    think fast.    ’       @junkyardteen.}

_{❛     –––––     !     ❜     she has good reflexes.    catches the bag one - handed and unfolds it,  eager  to get food in her system this morning.     ❛     you the  bomb,  bugs !     ❜}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{the kind she probably won’t like,   because  none of them  offer an immediate way out.    linden is more equipped to have this conversation,   if he’s being honest with himself :   she knows the system from years of firsthand experience.    she’s been where bullet is.    holder,   who always managed to dodge CPS and the DCSS by a hairsbreadth    (   he has his sister to thank for that   )    is at a disadvantage.    but he knows what’ll happen if she runs,   now that she’s on the radar.}

_{juvie.    foster care.    rinse,   repeat.}

_{‘     look,   just    —    hear me out,   alright ?     ’}

_{a twitch of his shoulders,   weight shifting,   he can never quite  master the art  of standing still.}

_{‘     you got like,   two years left ‘til you’re clear of this circus.    but until  then,   somebody else’s gotta take responsibility    —    even if it’s just on paper,   you know,   give ‘em somethin’ to show a judge.    now,   i can do that,   if mom ‘n pops ain’t at the top of your list,   and most of what we got goin’ won’t change.    but the ball’s in your court,   li’l man.    don’t be makin’ any big decisions yet,   just,   uh    —    give it some thought,   is all.     ’}

_{she’s  been  to juvie.    one month felt more like twelve with around-the-clock supervision and officers on standby,  telling you what to do and when to do it,  where to eat your meals and what time you’re allowed to shit it back out.    privileges revoked just for having a voice,  privacy  invaded.    and forget about comfort.    nobody gives a damn about your bad back or headaches or period cramps.    nobody gives a damn about your  personal boundaries,  either.}

_{imagines a group home to be similar.    too many kids,  all in one place.    too many rules and too many  adults  abusing their authority over the troubled youth.    for what ?    the sole purpose of making your life miserable ?    as if it wasn’t already.    knowing  bullet,  she’ll just dig her heels in and make it worse.    violate the terms of her probation and get sent back to juvenile detention.}

_{providing they ever find her.    the kid’s resourceful.    knows how to  disappear  if she wants to.    needs  to.}

_{❛     ain’t goin’ back home.     ❜     stated clearly,  without a shred of hesitation.    he tells her not to make that decision right now but she does it anyway,  only to  backpedal  and give it second thought.    most  of what we got.    indicating that there  will  be  change.    but it’s better than being buried in the system until she’s eighteen,  isn’t it ?}

_{❛     i wanna do my own  thing.    like i’ve  been  doin’ for three years.    don’t want nobody makin’ me go to doctors appointments or takin’ me to the  dentist.    don’t want no stupid - ass  curfews  or …  whatever the hell else.     ❜}