[sings soprano] ♫ i’m starting to hate my psd again ♫

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{‘     it ain’t weird.    you were lookin’ for her    —    maybe she knew.    i mean,   maybe she knew you had her back,   you weren’t givin’ up.    it ain’t on you,   what happened to her.    you gotta see that.     ’}

_{but it’s never that easy.    didn’t mean anything then,   curtains drawn,   room clouded with smoke,   linden repeating a mantra of  it’s not your fault.    it’s not your fault.    and it probably doesn’t mean anything now.    kallie’s in the ground and everyone remembers james skinner as a decorated cop.    guilt works like a slow - acting poison.    he knows.}

_{‘     …  what’d she say to you ?     ’}

_{❛     i don’t  believe  in that shit.     wherever she is,  it ain’t here.     ❜     but sometimes it still feels like it,  doesn’t it ?    sometimes,  it  feels  like you’re being watched.}

_{kallie’s dead.    a faceless,  rotting  corpse.    as if she wasn’t rotting before she was found.    and it  isn’t  her fault but she shoulders the blame anyway because maybe,  maybe if she had just given her the ticket,  she’d be  alive  and full of light.     maybe someone else would have taken her place that night instead,  but maybe bullet wouldn’t have cared so much about  someone else  when her whole heart was still intact and her veins didn’t feel bled dry.}

_{smoke  filters  in,  then back out of her lungs.    ashes the cigarette out of the cracked window just as the rain begins to fall.    a light drizzle.}

_{❛     nothin’.    it don’t matter.     ❜}

_{she’s clamming up again,  closing herself off to the prospect of     –––––     to the prospect of what ?    anything that isn’t bottling up your emotions ?    her  body  can only take so much pain.    her  mind  can only hold so much guilt.    what happens when she  exceeds  that limit ?    will her bones break ?    will her world shatter ?    will she feel hollow ?}

_{(    it wouldn’t be the first time.    )}

_{❛     …  she didn’t say anything that made  sense.     ❜}

_{PERILOUSPOTION.}

^{‘ don’t let the outfit fool you. ‘  she scoffs,  the frilly top & jean skirt that’s draping her form is uncomfortable to say the least.  ‘ it’s not my .. style,  or whatever — i don’t really have one,  a style,  i mean .. ‘  it doesn’t take long to find her car,  unlock it & slip inside.  all she has to do now is wait.}

_{❛     wasn’t talkin’ ‘bout the outfit.     ❜     she doesn’t have the  face  of someone who belongs on the street.    but neither some of her friends.    ducks into the passenger side and pulls the door shut,  knapsack slung between her feet on the floorboard.     ❛     ever gonna tell me yo’  name ?     ❜}

witchstock:

i know this such an irrational thing to get mad over but when my headphones get caught on something and yanked out i legit have to take three seconds to freeze and contain my anger

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{due at the station ten minutes ago,   he drives without a destination in mind.    away from  skid row,   giving the water a wide berth,   navigating an aimless grid downtown.    surrounded by traffic and early morning commuters as far removed from them as images on a tv screen.    he lights a cigarette out of habit,   doesn’t expect the silence to break and something tightens up under his sternum when it does.    his eyes stay on the road.}

_{wherever i was.    the coma she wasn’t supposed to wake up from,   but did.    because she’s stronger than that.}

_{‘     –––––––    you talk to her ?     ’}

_{❛     tried to.     ❜     but couldn’t  close  enough.    she was just  out of reach,  every time.    following the very  glimpse  of strawberry blonde around street corners and into buildings.    even  into the water,  where she once saw her beneath the surface.    hollow eyes open to the world.    hair  fanned out  around her in a way that made it seem peaceful.    quiet.    but most of all,  lonely.}

_{realises  now  what she didn’t then.    (    even in her subconscious,  kallie was waiting to be found.    )    fumbles around in her coat pocket for a moment,  cursing  under her breath.    pulls a cigarette from  his  pack instead and lights it,  poisoning her lungs.}

_{her hands are trembling.    she  ignores  it.    tries to play it off as a tic,  bouncing  her knee as if she’s restless.}

_{❛     i did talk to her.    once.    it was weird.    i dunno.     ❜}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{there’s a learning curve with all this for both of them.    it’s not supposed to be easy.    they’re  trying,   and that has to count for something,   right ?    most days,   he feels like he’s running on fumes.    on a reservoir of patience that should have long since dried out.    but they’re trying.}

_{he’s trying.}

_{a smile,   almost.    or the ghost of one.}

_{‘     yeah,   you  said  that.    you say that every time.    get in    —    breakfast’s on me.     ’}

_{she still hasn’t some  fight  left in her.    doesn’t give up that  quick,  no matter how bad she wants to     (    because the pain and the hurt have  burrowed  in her chest and made itself  at home  between the spaces of her ribs.    just when she thinks she’s past it,  something else  starts to bruise.    )    she won’t ever go down quietly.}

_{these  demons  have a lot of work to do before they can bring her to both knees.}

_{silent until seated in the passenger seat,  bullet shifts,  one knee bent and  tucked  against her chest.    stares out the window,  watching unfamiliar faces pass by in a blur.}

_{❛     kallie  was there.    wherever i was.    i saw her.     ❜}

_{PERILOUSPOTION.}

^{‘ big mac sounds good.  & fifteen,  yeah .. cool. ‘  she’s digging around in her bag for her car keys,  the rustling sound of empty gum wrappers & her vibrating phone loud & evident.  ‘ got ‘em. ‘  a sigh of relief spills from pink brims & with a nod of her head, she signals the way to her car,  silently asking her to follow.  ‘ where are you going to pierce me,  then ? ‘}

_{a subtle arch of the brow as she pulls a set of  keys  from her bag.    thought  the closest fast food chain was at least within  walking distance,  but everything usually was to a kid who didn’t have another choice.    a moment’s hesitation passed,  then she quietly falls into step.     ❛     in the  throat  if you try anything  sketchy.    what’re you doin’ on  this side  of town,  anyway ?    y’ look like one of them chicks that just stepped outta  cosmo,  but you’re slummin’ it by  the jungle ?     ❜}

chemiosmotic:

im gay & cold. reblog this if you are also gay and cold

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{‘     are you  fuckin’  kidding me,   bullet ?    first you wanna  help out,   now you’re gonna turn around and act like    —     ’       like a teenager.    exactly like  he  would have acted at fifteen.    with all that bravado,   sometimes he forgets :   she’s just a kid.}

_{a sharp inward breath gives way to a sharper exhale,   misting out in front of him ;   there’s a chill in the air that seeps down marrow - deep.    the brief flare of anger that clipped his words doesn’t last longer than it takes to level his gaze.       ‘     whatever.    look,   you,   uh    —    you want me to drop you off somewhere ?    cold as hell out here,   ‘n i  know  you ain’t got’cha flu shot yet.     ’}

_{❛     ain’t actin’ like  nothin’.     ❜     she  did  want to help.    still  does.    her attitude may switch on a dime,  but that  doesn’t  mean she’s less  inclined  to lend a helping hand.}

_{let her be angry and  pick fights  because it’s the only way she knows how to cope.    let her  navigate  through this  cornucopia of emotion,  biting into each until she finds the most   ripe.    just let her go through the motions.    (    be patient with her.    )    she’ll get there.    a scowl paints her expression,  in time with the  step  taken away from the car door.     ❛     you ain’t my chauffeur.     ❜}

_{me, gaining followers: o lort i’ve been found}