_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{it’s asking too much from a fifteen year old who needs someone to blame.    he gets that.    but she’s preaching to the choir.    once realization had finally set in,   nobody wanted to see skinner burn more than he did.    there are things he doesn’t say :   like how he’d wanted to kick down the door to the mayor’s office at city hall when linden told him what happened.    like slamming his head against a church partition and demanding to know where the fuck their almighty  god  was now.    like using again.}

_{he’d tell her if she asked.    it wouldn’t make any of this right,   not even close,   but he’d tell her if she asked.}

_{his chair sways back and forth,   rocked by the motion as he presses the ball of his foot against the floor.    a tic,   one of many,   developed over time.    jesus,   he’s tired.}

_{‘     whatever.    you wanna be pissed at me,   fine.    you wanna  blame  me,   go ahead.    linden sat in that room and gave ‘em a fucking  confession,   and that prick richmond just    —    up ‘n threw it back in her face.    you pickin’ up what i’m puttin’ down ?    we didn’t  make  that call.    i  never  wanted it to go down like that.     ’}

_{she doesn’t  blame  him.    if anything,  she should blame linden.    for playing judge,  jury,  and executioner.    taking the justice right out of all those girls’ hands.    to understand would be to see the bigger picture.    from the perspective of a cop who committed  homicide and covered it up to save their skin.    the department would have been in the hot seat and with  all evidence  pointing to joe mills,  how were they meant to prove that  lieutenant james skinner  of the seattle police department’s homicide unit was responsible for raping and murdering an upwards of forty young girls ?}

_{bullet can’t  see it  from that perspective.    she can’t see it from the perspective of a cop because she  isn’t one.    she’s a loose end he couldn’t tie.    (    a victim,  the only survivor who lives to never tell the tale.    )    she’s fifteen and she’s angry because that’s  easier  to process.    to express.}

_{❛     linden.     ❜     she scoffs,  upper lip curled in a sneer of disgust.    anger,  hatred,  contempt.    the  holy trinity  of a teenager’s emotions.     ❛     should’a told me.    wouldn’t’ve had t’ hear it from some grommet  punk  askin’ ‘bout joe mills ‘n sayin’ i wasn’t his  type.     ❜}

eieo:

i have such a lazy aesthetic its just straight up dirtbag

 _{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{‘     it’s the adrenaline.    slows everything down ‘n speeds it up at the same time.     ’       something else that doesn’t need explaining,   to her of all people.       ‘     boardin’ school don’t sound half  bad,   playa.    i bet you  aced  that class without even tryin’.    hey,   yo    —    dogs are the bomb,   no doubt.    grew up with seven of ‘em,   you know,   pitbulls.    you wanna talk about  pickin’ your battles    –––––––     ’}

_{❛    ever heard them  whack stories  about moms lifting cars up off the  ground  t’ save their kids ‘cause the adrenaline’s pumpin’ all hardcore ?    didn’t believe poochie when he told me,  just ‘cause he likes t’  exaggerate  shit,  but f’ real,  it can happen.    ❜     something about adrenal glands and using more percentage of muscle.     ❛     boarding school was fuckin’ lame.    full of  yuppie bitches.    …  pit bulls are badass,  yo !    how’d you take ‘em all on a walk ?    you get like,  seven leashes  ‘n take ‘em all at once,  or what ?     ❜}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{‘     that’s how you work a  case,   son.    don’t mean i be gettin’ my ass  stuck  at every turn.     ’       she’s right,   though.    it happens.    sometimes it’s unavoidable.    sometimes the pieces just don’t fit,   no matter how many permutations you’ve tried.    he lets out a low scoff,   mixing bowl in hand.       ‘     see,   that’s the  problem.    people get impatient,   think we ain’t doin’ our jobs,   when all they got’s a  thumbnail  of the whole picture.    richmond didn’t kill nobody.    now he’s never gonna walk again.    that seem right to you ?     ’}

_{he spares no compassion for darren richmond,   not after how the skinner incident played out,   but the bottom line is the same :   it’s dangerous for  everyone  when somebody decides to take the law into their own hands with only a fraction of the information.    a lot of people have it coming.    he’d go as far as saying that a few  DESERVE  it.    but that’s not one person’s call to make.}

_{not belko royce’s.    not his.    not even linden’s.}

_{‘     yo    —    !    don’t be puttin’ words in my mouth.    she’s just a li’l  easier on the eyes  than cueball carl or jank - ass jablonski,   that’s all i’m sayin’.     ’}

_{there’s a click as he turns on the stove,   taking the opportunity to turn his back and hide the smile.    when she mentions caroline,   however,   despite it being offhand,   he wheels around again with raised eyebrows.}

_{‘     ain’t my  girlfriend  no more.    we had,   uh    —    irreconcilable differences.     ’}

_{in other words,   the relationship didn’t make it past her calling bullet a statistic.}

_{shoulders rise and fall.     ❛     wouldn’t know.    never been a cop.     ❜     lost in translation:  has only witnessed the true  horrors of mankind  from a street rat’s perspective and never once stopped to question how it might differ from a detective’s,  because she never had to.     ❛     ain’t gotta get all  political  on me,  damn.    i just think that sometimes you gotta do what you think’s right ‘n screw the system.     ❜}

_{the system doesn’t give a shit about you,  so why give a shit about the system ?    nobody seems to have the answer and she’s tired of waiting.    vigilante justice  might be the last justice this world has left to rely on.    and so,  while she believes what happened to darren richmond  shouldn’t have,  she can’t blame someone for wanting vengeance.}

_{maybe she doesn’t have all the facts.    maybe belko royce was just a nutcase.     maybe this,  maybe that.    gaze drops to examine the beaded necklace that’s been fashioned into a bracelet and adorning her wrist.    begins toying with it.}

_{❛     hell yeah,  she is.    cueball carl looks like one of them dudes off  the office  ‘n jablonski looks like he’d be jerkin’ it on a train behind a newspaper.    …  ain’t lookin’ good for you either,  with that goddamn  pedo ‘stache.     ❜}

_{a pause.    she looks up,  brows furrowed.     ❛     shit,  bet you just ran her off.     ❜     like she did with lyric.    (    she blames herself for that.    pushed too hard and moved too fast and ended up losing her to that low - rent punk.    it still hurts,  seeing them together.    knowing they left her behind and moved on to live a better life.    )     ❛     what’s it with these  chicks,  yo ?    can’t live with their crazy asses,  can’t live without ‘em.     ❜     the voice of experience.}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{‘     damn right.    s’all about  strategy,   knowin’ how to pick your battles.    see,   ‘cause they ain’t that different from us.     ’       he doesn’t have to tell her that.    bullet knows how  predatory  people can be.       ‘     —    so you’re gonna be a  vet,   huh.    i’m guessin’ you’re a dog person,   too,   am i right ?     ’}

_{❛    ‘cause we got them  survival instincts.    that fight or flight shit.    ❜     she thinks back to the afternoon beneath the bridge,  on the outskirts of tank’s squat,  where she thought she might find kallie.    about how she chose not to fight that battle because she knew the odds of walking out unscathed were slim.    and that’s  intuition.     ❛     been the dream ever since i was a li’l kid.    took all them classes at my boarding school ‘cause i thought it might get my foot in the door or somethin’.    …  yo,  who  don’t  like  dogs ?     ❜}

_{BLOODLETTERED.}

                               _{she  stares  back  at   her   sister  blankly,         at  a  loss  for  words  as  her  eyes  dart  between  the  cigarette      &      the  younger  girl,       clearly  not  at  all  concerned  about   her  being  in  her  room,      rather  what  she  was  doing  there.       her  room  was  clean,      for  the  most  part   —–    but  that  was  only  because  she  barely  spent  any  time  in  it.         all  she  really  cared  about  now  was  that  her  sister  was  being  reckless        (      something  she  expected  out  of  her  but  HOPED  would  calm  down  given  her  current  condition      ).       ❛       rachel,      is  this  some  kind  of  idiotic  prank?          you  can’t  smoke  right  now!     ❜          she  said,     quickly  moving  over  to  her   to  tug  the  cigarette  out  of  her  hand,      as  if  she  had  any  kind  of  real  authority  over  her.          ❛      can  you  maybe  just  try  to  deal  with  ONE  bad  thing  at  a  time   —–     like,     i  don’t  know,     that   bandage  on  your  neck,        ❜          she  said,     her  tone  slightly  mocking  as  she  pointed  towards  her  neck.         ❛    you  survived,     you’re  not  invincible.      no  smoking,      ❜       she  repeated,     but  this  was  all  because  she  cared  about  her  sister.       she  had  lost  her  for  so  long   —–  now  that  she  was  finally  back,      she  wanted  to  know  she  was  SAFE,       &     she  was  prepared  to  do  whatever  she  had  to  to  ensure  that.}

_{her sister’s bedroom looks a lot different,  but somehow still the same.    the same  personal touches  that made it so unmistakably  audrey jensen.    the same purple fucking walls she used to hate.    bullet’s seemed all too impersonal by comparison.    it belonged to a ghost.    to rachel jensen and the girl she  used  to be.    not the junkyard bitch who’s been staying there.    she prefers audrey’s because she hated it a little less than her own.    felt at ease despite how it changed,  but didn’t know how to say that.    and even if she  did,  she wouldn’t have bothered.     ❛     yo,  don’t tell me what to do !    ❜     it puts a strain on her throat to even raise her voice above a  conversational level,  but she manages with only  minimal struggle.     ❛     give it back,  ya thievin’ ass punk !    i’m not playin’,  yo,  c’mon,  this ain’t funny !     ❜     makes a grab for the appropriated cigarette at least twice before giving in,  waving a hand in dismissal and taking a step back to lean against the windowsill.     ❛     you ain’t gotta give me a speech,  a’ight ?    you’re all worried ‘n shit.    i get it.    yo’ room,  yo’ rules,  blah,  blah,  blah.    ❜}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{‘     i’m  not.     ’       he wouldn’t.    not about this.    not about  anything.    when he sinks back into his own chair,   it’s restless ;   agitated.    his tone isn’t much different.       ‘     son of a bitch played us from the jump.    he’s the one who cut goldie loose,   he’s the one who had us chasin’ our tails to track down joe fuckin’ mills    —    me ‘n linden,   we got too close.    figured out it was a  cop.    skinner had internal affairs snatch my ass up right after,   that’s when we should’ve known.     ’       a pause.    the strong urge to light a cigarette.       ‘     linden,   she,   uh.    she saw the ring.    kallie’s ring.    he gave it to his own fuckin’ daughter.    by the time i went after ‘em,    they were up at lake sawyer    —    that’s where we found kallie and the others.    he was on his knees.   unarmed.    baiting  her,   you know.    he  wanted  her to shoot him.    so she shot him,    twice.    we got rid of the body,   covered it up    —    richmond’s the one who wanted mills to go down for it.    pinned it  all  on him like this was just some bullshit political play.    you keep this between us,   you understand ?    i don’t got a choice.     ’}

_{she doesn’t interject,  not once,  but she wants to.    she still has questions that need answers and she doesn’t  trust  him to plug in all the details.    but by the time he’s finished,  the string of queries would just prompt a  reiteration  of what he already told her.    she swallows and it feels a lot like shards of glass are sticking in her throat.    what is she supposed to say ?    two weeks ago,  she felt trapped between a rock and hard place.    finding out that she would never get to see kallie again was a truth that bullet wasn’t ready to process.}

_{now,  she’s forced to come to terms with the fact that the one who  killed her  will never be brought to justice.    his name will  never  be absconded.    it isn’t fair.    not to kallie and not to angie and not to all of those girls at the bottom of the lake and all of the ones yet to be found.    (    joe mills isn’t an innocent man.    he  deserved  to rot.    but not for a crime he didn’t commit    ––––    not as the pied piper.    )}

_{❛      screw you,  holder.     ❜}

_{it’s all she can manage when her gaze rises,  full of hurt and betrayal and all different shades of emotions that those girls would never get the chance to show again.}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{damned if there isn’t a part of him that  wishes  it was bullshit.    those few weeks    —    months    —    with her in a coma,   coupled with trying to cover up the death of a decorated police lieutenant    (   responsible for the rape and murder of at least forty young girls   ),    were some of the worst he can remember.       ‘     linden shot him.    you want the full story ?    sit your ass down.     ’}

_{what that  jank - ass cabbie  did to kallie was  sickening  to watch.    (    her skin crawls just thinking about it and she wants to climb out of it,  scrub herself clean.    )    but joe mills isn’t the man who targeted and terrorized those girls on the streets.   he isn’t the man who stuffed her in a trunk with a throat slit open,  a collapsed lung and broken ribs.    the anger she once felt may have tempered,  but she wants an explanation.    figures he  owes  her that.     ❛     don’t fuckin’ lie to me.     ❜     a word of warning before sinking down into the chair behind linden’s desk.}