freeguilt    _{*  poochie.}

_{‘     aw,   man,   that’s just ‘cause i been laid up over at  lobo’s  place,   yo.    said his homie tried to score from,   uh   —   you know that rat - lookin’ fool,   logic ?    lobo got it from nadine he’s a  real  rat now.    fuck  these pigs.     ’}

_{long story short,   he’d probably think the same thing if she went off the grid for a while.    some people come and go but others are more permanent fixtures,   faces you get so used to seeing around that you  notice  when they’re not.}

_{shoulders bow against the biting november wind.}

_{‘     it’s all good,   b.    just ‘cause i need his  cash  don’t mean i trust him.     ’}

_{“     logic ?    that li’l pussy  bitch  who still lives with his momma out past freeway park ?    fuckin’ knew it  ––  heard he got dougie  locked up  just last week ‘cause he was wired or somethin’,  but everything that comes outta ricky’s mouth is a goddamn lie,  so.    always talkin’ mad bullshit.     ”}

_{this is normal.    this is how it was  supposed  to be,  instead of how it is    (    not standing too close because it’s just one of those days but she fronts like everything is fine,  like she has not a care in the world apart from where  poochie  was two days ago when she  should  be caring less about others and more about herself.    )}

_{“     yo,  listen,     ”     she pauses.    looks to the side and then back to poochie,     “     something’s  jacked  with him.    he had these eyes that   ––   …  forget it,  yo.    just watch your back.    a li’l scratch ain’t worth  dyin’  over.     ”}

freeguilt    _{*  poochie.}

_{even half - dead and barely a step up from strung out,   he can recognize concern for what it is.    after what happened to kallie,   it’s no surprise.    but he’s struggling to remember when he told her about deaux,   let alone where to find the dude ;  grasping at a memory that isn’t there.    (   where was his head ?    clearly  up his ass.   )}

_{‘     you’re  trippin’,   girl.    they got me pushin’ some new product,   is all   —   why you gotta be up in my shit like that ?    you’re gonna get me in trouble,   yo.     ’}

_{“     man,  screw you !    i ain’t up in nobody’s shit.    hadn’t seen you in a couple days and  nobody  friggin’ heard from you,  what the hell was i supposed t’ think ?     ”}

_{feels stupid now that she’s here.    exactly how she felt when she caught up with lyric after after  lying  about pastor mike and sending the entire  homicide unit  on a wild goose chase,  losing  holder’s trust when he found out.}    

_{she takes a drag and looks down to the ground,  flicking ash off the cherry of her cigarette.}

_{“     …   look,  i’m  sorry.    just thought somethin’ happened to your stupid ass.    but yo,  real talk ?    i don’t trust that punk - ass motherfucker ‘n you shouldn’t either.     ”}

originalgrilla    _{*  bugs.}

_{‘     y’ know,   in  my  hood    —    ?    sixteen’s practically  grown,   son.    ‘cause if you’re old enough to drive,   you’re old enough to handle your shit,   you feel me ?    so,   uh.    i got you somethin’.     ’       @junkyardteen.}

_{“     p’ft !    been old enough t’ handle my  shit  since i was thirteen,  yo !    better not be nothin’  stupid.    ain’t gonna pretend i like somethin’ just so i don’t hurt’cha feelings.     ”}

freeguilt    _{*  ravi.}

_{‘    this is an isolated incident.    even a mere allusion to the contrary is pure speculation.     ’}

_{eighty - nine years later,   he’s  finally  filling up the electric kettle   (   blasphemy !   )   and setting the water to boil,   dropping a tea bag into an intact cup.}

_{‘   i know,  right ?    just wait ‘til you hear his surname,   though.    the combination must have been a  death sentence  in primary school.     ’    not to give her the wrong idea   —   he adores major.   but he’s given over a good deal of down - time wondering what kind of people willingly name their child  major lilywhite.}

_{what’s funny about her threat,   empty or not,   is that she probably  could  kick his ass.    ravi is a lover,   not a fighter.    (   he also harbors very few doubts at the sheer number of grown men who’ve likely met their match in a five - foot - three sixteen - year - old girl.   )}

_{‘     i can assure you,   there’s nothing to find out.    i’m simply doing my civic duty and passing along some very valuable advice regarding the  risk factors  in certain energy drinks and recreational drugs.     ’}

_{major.    the name is  familiar,  but it’s not enough to jog her memory.    seeing his face,  though,  just might.    one of the  youth  counselors from  helton shelter  who took a beatdown at nine trolls over a pair of blue and red kicks that allegedly belonged to jerome  ––  she has to respect that.}

_{no one else gives a shit about them.    the junkyard teens who go  missing  for days,  weeks,  months  before anyone notices they’re gone.    it’s always  ‘  they’ll turn up  ’  or some other variation of  who fucking cares ?}

_{“     don’t tell me it’s  poots.     ”     she still can’t think of imogen poots without wondering,  does her  acting  method just  blow  the casting directors away ?}

_{her gaze narrows like she knows he’s  hiding  something but can’t figure it out.    it’s not far from the truth.    the feeling she gets when someone’s keeping secrets creeps back up on her,  impossible  to ignore.    like one of those itches you can’t scratch,  not because you can’t reach it,  but because you can’t pinpoint  exactly  where it is.}

_{she sniffs,  shoulders hitching in a loose shrug.}

_{“     whatever.    got anything t’ drink that ain’t nasty ass wet leaves in boiling water ?    ”}

_{“     –––   that ain’t what i’m  here  for,  dumbass.    your new boss is gonna wipe the floor with yo’ stupid commitment issues - havin’ ass either way,  you know that,  right ?     ”}

_{hasn’t slept since she last paid shady plots a visit and thinks it’s  probably  for the best.    (    maybe if she goes and goes and goes until she’s  running on fumes,  she’ll have a dreamless sleep.    )    fidgets,  head bowed as she pulls the cigarette from behind her ear and angles away from the wind to light it.}     //  @freeguilt,  cont.

freeguilt    _{*  ravi.}

_{‘     i most certainly did not !    and i resent the implication that i’d even be  capable  of such a thing.     ’}

_{he’s not serious,   either,   but he’s diligently attempting to steer the focus in another direction,   one that doesn’t lead to awkward questions.    (   the teacup incident of 2016,   they’ll call it.    primitive tribes in a dystopian future will read about it in the salvaged remains of history books dug from the wreckage of modern society.   )}

_{snatching up a broom and dustpan,   he makes quick work of the clean - up   —   and the readily provided excuse to avoid looking her in the eyes until he can collect himself.}

_{honestly,   the  truth  would be less hassle at this point.}

_{not that she’d believe him.}

_{‘     good.    stick to red bull.    definitely  stick to red bull.     ’     shards of broken cup discarded,   he wheels around to face her with a knowing look.     ‘     —   a wet paper towel ?    nice try.    major and i watched that video for a solid  hour  when he found it.     ’}

_{“     really ?    ‘cause  ––––      ”     eyeing the pieces of scattered ceramic,     “     kinda looks like y’ are.     ”}

_{she doesn’t offer to help clean up the mess because it’s not that much of a hassle,  and moreover,  she just doesn’t want to.    has a sudden craving for nicotine but resists lighting up in his morgue out of  respect.    which is a lot more than she gave our good friend  john deaux  down at shady plots.}

_{stepping past the threshold,  bullet shrugs off her knapsack and leaves it beside the chair that she drops down onto not a moment later.    lounges with one leg kicked out,  opposite knee bouncing out of habit.}    

_{can’t help but think that someone as dirty as she is shouldn’t be in a place so damn clean.    it reminds her of the hospital in some ways.    the antiseptic,  the medical supplies and carts with surgical tools.    even the muted green brick.}

_{“     major ?    what kinda name’s  that ?     ”     ignored the fact she’d just been  called out,  turning the tables back around on him instead.   “     …  hope whatever you’re hiding from me is worth the ass - kickin’   –––   ‘cause that’s what you’re gonna  get  when i find out what it is,  doc !     ”}

freeguilt    _{*  q - tip.}

_{there are a couple of things he can do about it.    something vaguely poetic about committing murder in a funeral home,   but even his lowest - paying customers would have complaints to file about  this  brain.    scratching her wouldn’t be without its headaches,   either,   because it would mean having to see a lot more of her than he’d consider ideal.    what’s  ironic  is,   the friend she’s so concerned about is the one who’s getting torn a new asshole for dropping his address in the first place.}

_{loyalty.    can’t find it anywhere these days.}

_{‘     he  does  mumble,   doesn’t he.    you know,   i’m gonna be honest ?    he’s not really  employee of the month  material.    now i normally like to keep a certain standard when i add somebody to my payroll   —   but,   alas,   poor yorick.    today’s economy demands certain sacrifices.    especially when it comes to personnel.     ’}

_{he observes,   almost passive,   absently admiring the craftsmanship on some of those boxes she paces past.    a soft scoff of a laugh ;  best guess,   every casket in here is beyond her pay grade.    it’s a shame,   really.    she’d be damn  lucky  to take her dirt nap in one of these beauties.}

_{thin lips twitch a little at the corners.}

_{‘     yeah,   you can’t smoke in here.    chief ?     ’     all he has to do is serve a look and chief’s stepping forward obediently to take that cigarette  right  out of her mouth.     ‘     sorry,   my fault.    should’ve put up a sign.    it’s right back there in the office,   i mean,   you’d think   one  of my little worker bees would take some initiative.     ’}

_{he’s closer than he was a minute ago,   but there’s a casket serving as a partition to cover the remaining space between them.    and for a second,   as eye contact is matched and held,   he drops the  customer service  façade.}

_{for a second,   you can see the  monster  lurking not - so - dormant under his skin.    the last face his victims saw before they died.    then it passes,   and he smiles.}

_{‘     smoking kills,   kid.     ’}

_{yorick ?     “     p’ft.    yeah,  you made a real  big  sacrifice roping poochie’s  musty ass  into all this.    his work ethic ain’t worth shit,  so don’t get yo’ panties in a bunch when he flakes.    dude’s got some  serious  commitment issues.    i’m surprised he ain’t bounced already.    fo’ rilla.    ”}

_{she isn’t dumb.    knows how the game works.    the second he even tries to bail,  it’s  lights out.    poochie isn’t dumb either.    probably knows the game backwards and forwards and inside and out,  and it might be the only thing that’s kept him alive all these years.}

_{living on the  street  means doing what you have to do to survive.    find yourself a niche,  people who look out for you and  notice  when you’re not around.    some people hustle while others sell their own  asses  on street corners around skid row.}    

_{low - level  dealing  is one thing but working under a rising kingpin doesn’t leave margin for error;  it’s a different ball field and she worries that he’s got his claws in deep.    that there won’t be anything left to  salvage  when deaux chews him up and  spits him out  because he’s just another junkie dealer.     expendable.    easily replaceable.    nothing can compare to what the pied piper has taken from her,  but this arrogant son of a bitch is gunning for the title.}

_{“     don’t tell me what i can and can’t do,  yo.    you ain’t my daddy.     ”     mid - drag when chief reaches to take it away from her,  and bullet’s knee - jerk response is to punch him in the gut.    it felt more like punching steel but he’s  too close  and towering over her and she  hates  that it bothers her as much as it does    (    even when he’s not there,  he’s there    )    because it means she’s not over it.    it means she’s still carrying the  trauma.}

_{as she turns back to deaux,  another nasty quip on the tip of her tongue,  she catches a glimpse of arterial red,  bloodshot scleras.    something not fucking  human.}    

_{gut - instinct tells her to run but she knocks into chief while stepping back from the casket display and the man who looks like a person again,  and it makes her  question  if she saw anything at all.    ”    you’re a fuckin’  freak,  yo !    you and your pirate - lookin’,  creepy ass  mutant meathead !     ”}

originalgrilla    _{*  bugs.}

_{she looks about as bad as she probably feels,   and it sends a cartwheel of visceral  worry  through the pit of his stomach.    tries to think of a time since they met that he’s seen her with a little color in her cheeks,   real color,   not pale and sick like she’s perpetually an inch away from the flu.    she has dark circles around her eyes the shade of bruises,   hollows under her cheekbones in certain light.    she’s just shy of her sixteenth birthday.    she shouldn’t look this fucking  sad.}

_{he’s expecting that second wave but isn’t prepared when it hits,   and it’s taking all of his self - control not to offer some kind of comfort.    staying there beside her is the best he can do,   saying  i’m here  without saying anything.    the best he can do is wait it out with her.}

_{words almost lost in a ragged exhale catch him off balance    —    or,   more specifically,   that one word.    HOME.    it takes him a second to realize what she means.    takes a minute longer for the  weight  of that realization to sink in.    the significance.    even in this state,   she wouldn’t have said what she said if he hadn’t been doing  something  right.    it speaks to the cautious hope that maybe they’ll be okay ;   maybe they can pull this off.}

_home.

_{‘     —    alright.    think you can make it to the car ?     ’}

_{it’s parked maybe half a block from the overpass,   but moving hoover dam to fucking connecticut feels less complicated right now.}

_{the  real colour  was siphoned out of her the night kallie went missing and she still hasn’t found a way to  cope  with that loss apart from drinking herself numb,  but even that is beginning to feel like a cop - out.    doesn’t miss the feeling of  feeling  until she remembers the  good  times she had with kallie and all those memories of the girl with the gentle eyes and strawberry blonde hair and freckles and little star earrings    ––––    the girl she loved.}

_{she looks sad because lately she always is.    grief doesn’t let you go easy.    misses  feeling  when it’s good,  avoids it when it’s bad    (    which is all the time because she won’t let kallie go and  refuses  to listen to her fucking therapist when she tells her that it’s time to start moving on.    )}

_{it got better and then it got worse.}

_{drags in a breath and swallows,  grimacing,  pausing before she answers with a weak     “     yeah,     ”     and a small nod.    gravel crunches underfoot as she pushes herself up to stand,  barely keeping herself vertical.}

_{her limbs feel like stones and her head is spinning,  vision warping,  and she thinks she might  vomit  if she keeps her eyes open too long.    jerks a shoulder preemptively in case he tries to assist,  then nearly topples when reaching down to pick up her knapsack.    a humourless laugh,  and she’s back on the ground with her head between her knees waiting for the world to stop pirouetting around like a tilt - a - whirl.}

freeguilt    _{*  ravi.}

_{‘     they  fired  me,   can you believe it ?    me.    the most promising,   and  best - looking young doctor in my respective field.    oh,   and don’t get me started on the iconic  vaccine debate,   you’ll be here all morning.     ’}

_{well into the afternoon,   too,   most likely.    he’s revving up to dismantle max rager’s entire commercial appeal   —   mindful of skirting the big ‘z’ word,   naturally   —   but then she says  full - on  and his heart takes a leap against his adam’s apple.    full - on zombie mode,   liv calls it.    all that within a couple of panicked seconds as the teacup he’s holding shatters tragically at his feet.    fantastic.}

_{deep,   cleansing breaths.}

_{‘     that’s   —   that’s precisely what i’m talking about.    highly,   ah  …  adverse  effects,   primarily when mixed with utopium.    i wouldn’t recommend it.    in fact,   i wouldn’t recommend their energy drinks at all.    corporate greed.    loads of scandal.    the makings of a good reality show but hardly the kind of business model any self - respecting consumer can stand behind.     ’}

_{“     did’ja contaminate somethin’ with ebola ?     ”     she isn’t serious.    or maybe she is.    fully expecting him to take offence regardless,  with  something  along the lines of  ‘  what an absurd accusation !  ’  because that’s just ravi.}

_{what she  didn’t  expect is the  teacup incident,  which might have raised a few  eyebrows  if anyone else has been around to witness it.    that  wasn’t just  ravi.    (    she knows because all this medical stuff takes careful precision and a steady hand.    )    is that the kind of person you want fishing around through your guts ?    hell no.}    

_{but if you’re dead,  what does it really even matter ?}

_{“     yo,  careful,  doc.    might get yo’ ass canned from here too if you keep that shit up   –––   next thing i know,  you’re gonna be throwin’ someone’s  heart  against the wall like a wet paper towel.     ”    a light scoff.     “     whatever.    red bull tastes better anyways,  and  it gives you wings !     ”}

originalgrilla    _{*  bugs.}

_{‘     i’ll get’cha one of them,   uh    —    plastic badges,   right,   like from a cereal box ?    you been  elbow - deep  in my damn crunchberries so many times i’m surprised you ain’t  found  one already.     ’       when it really comes down to it,   he trusts her to make the right call.    hard  not to,   after everything that’s happened to her.    everything that  could have  killed her and didn’t.       ‘     i gotta bounce.    linden gets all  snitty  if she ain’t caffeinated so i gotta make a java run before we head out.    you need a ride somewhere ?     ’}

_{“     crunchberries make me a better crimefighter !    took a page outta yo’ book ‘n now i’m like  sherlock holmes  up in this bitch !     ”     grins at him,  pleased with herself after dropping that little nugget of mockery.     “     nah.    gotta find someone ‘fore it gets too late.     ”     adjusts the strap over her left shoulder and shifts the weight to her right,  one backward step taken in preparation to jet.     “     yo,  keep me in the loop.    i’m serious !     text me or somethin’.     ”}