_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{linden had said it herself,   right after :   he didn’t have to stick around.   didn’t  have  to help cover it up.    he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t regretted it,   more than a few times,   during the weeks that followed    —    but he’d like to believe she would have done the same for him.}

_{they’re partners.    that’s how it works.}

_{you got the bad guy.}

_{‘     i’m tellin’ you  now.     ’       minus all the technical details,   because she probably couldn’t give a shit about those.    the paperwork,   the politics.    the unidentified bodies with  jane doe  written on their toe tags.    the fact that he’s sick of looking at dead girls.}

_{his expression hardens,   then softens a little,   within a split second’s reaction time.       ‘     beat  his sorry ass,   y’ hear ?    you ain’t gotta listen to that.     ’}

_{❛     yeah,  ‘n i guess you think that makes up for keepin’ me in the dark ?    ‘cause it don’t.    that’s the  second time  you ain’t told me somethin’.     ❜}

_{as if bullet  herself  is an open book.    there are some truths she hasn’t been  honest about,  too.    truths she’d be ashamed to reveal,  not just to him,  but to anyone.    like dropping her last twenty on whatever the hell she could get with it,  with  intent  to load her veins full of poison until she couldn’t feel the pang of hurt and rejection and humiliation buried in her chest.    she isn’t the adult,  though.}

_{she’s just a kid who hates  not knowing.    the truth hurts,  but it’s better than a lie.}

_{the silence is comfortable.    she isn’t.    more self - aware than she had been in the past couple of days,  conscious of the scarring and how it makes her look.    she couldn’t fight him off.    wasn’t strong enough.    (    she’s tired of people feeling  sorry  for her,  tired of the questions and taunts and the  ‘ let me see ! ’  whenever word travels.    )}

_{❛     yo,  he was just messin’ around.    he gets high ‘n says stupid shit like he gets paid t’ do it or somethin’.    poochie’s friends are all like that.    ain’t no big deal.     ❜}

_{still cracked him in the jaw on principle,  though     –––––}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{‘     think they call that  hysterical strength.    only happens in life or death situations,   when your brain snaps into  overdrive.    people can do some pretty fucked up shit when they’re scared.     ’       it’s a good measure of what someone’s  truly  capable of    —    but with any luck,   most of them won’t ever find out.       ‘     naw !   you gotta take ‘em two or three at a time.    my scrawny ass would’a got  dragged  down the damn street if i tried takin’ seven bully breeds for a stroll.    your folks ever let’cha have a dog ?     ’}

_{❛     yeah,  but what about when they’re not ?    ain’t always gotta be  scared of somethin’  t’ get that adrenaline rush ‘n kick some  serious  ass.    i mean,  it’s kinda better if you’re not afraid,  ain’t it ?    fear makes you stupid.     ❜     she shrugs,  hands pocketed.     ❛     p’ft.    you kiddin’ ?    hell no.    said i wasn’t  responsible  or whatever ‘cause they got me a hamster when i was  ten  ‘n it died.    its name was meatball.     ❜     yes,  she did cry.    (    in private.    )}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{it’s asking too much from a fifteen year old who needs someone to blame.    he gets that.    but she’s preaching to the choir.    once realization had finally set in,   nobody wanted to see skinner burn more than he did.    there are things he doesn’t say :   like how he’d wanted to kick down the door to the mayor’s office at city hall when linden told him what happened.    like slamming his head against a church partition and demanding to know where the fuck their almighty  god  was now.    like using again.}

_{he’d tell her if she asked.    it wouldn’t make any of this right,   not even close,   but he’d tell her if she asked.}

_{his chair sways back and forth,   rocked by the motion as he presses the ball of his foot against the floor.    a tic,   one of many,   developed over time.    jesus,   he’s tired.}

_{‘     whatever.    you wanna be pissed at me,   fine.    you wanna  blame  me,   go ahead.    linden sat in that room and gave ‘em a fucking  confession,   and that prick richmond just    —    up ‘n threw it back in her face.    you pickin’ up what i’m puttin’ down ?    we didn’t  make  that call.    i  never  wanted it to go down like that.     ’}

_{she doesn’t  blame  him.    if anything,  she should blame linden.    for playing judge,  jury,  and executioner.    taking the justice right out of all those girls’ hands.    to understand would be to see the bigger picture.    from the perspective of a cop who committed  homicide and covered it up to save their skin.    the department would have been in the hot seat and with  all evidence  pointing to joe mills,  how were they meant to prove that  lieutenant james skinner  of the seattle police department’s homicide unit was responsible for raping and murdering an upwards of forty young girls ?}

_{bullet can’t  see it  from that perspective.    she can’t see it from the perspective of a cop because she  isn’t one.    she’s a loose end he couldn’t tie.    (    a victim,  the only survivor who lives to never tell the tale.    )    she’s fifteen and she’s angry because that’s  easier  to process.    to express.}

_{❛     linden.     ❜     she scoffs,  upper lip curled in a sneer of disgust.    anger,  hatred,  contempt.    the  holy trinity  of a teenager’s emotions.     ❛     should’a told me.    wouldn’t’ve had t’ hear it from some grommet  punk  askin’ ‘bout joe mills ‘n sayin’ i wasn’t his  type.     ❜}

 _{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{‘     it’s the adrenaline.    slows everything down ‘n speeds it up at the same time.     ’       something else that doesn’t need explaining,   to her of all people.       ‘     boardin’ school don’t sound half  bad,   playa.    i bet you  aced  that class without even tryin’.    hey,   yo    —    dogs are the bomb,   no doubt.    grew up with seven of ‘em,   you know,   pitbulls.    you wanna talk about  pickin’ your battles    –––––––     ’}

_{❛    ever heard them  whack stories  about moms lifting cars up off the  ground  t’ save their kids ‘cause the adrenaline’s pumpin’ all hardcore ?    didn’t believe poochie when he told me,  just ‘cause he likes t’  exaggerate  shit,  but f’ real,  it can happen.    ❜     something about adrenal glands and using more percentage of muscle.     ❛     boarding school was fuckin’ lame.    full of  yuppie bitches.    …  pit bulls are badass,  yo !    how’d you take ‘em all on a walk ?    you get like,  seven leashes  ‘n take ‘em all at once,  or what ?     ❜}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{‘     that’s how you work a  case,   son.    don’t mean i be gettin’ my ass  stuck  at every turn.     ’       she’s right,   though.    it happens.    sometimes it’s unavoidable.    sometimes the pieces just don’t fit,   no matter how many permutations you’ve tried.    he lets out a low scoff,   mixing bowl in hand.       ‘     see,   that’s the  problem.    people get impatient,   think we ain’t doin’ our jobs,   when all they got’s a  thumbnail  of the whole picture.    richmond didn’t kill nobody.    now he’s never gonna walk again.    that seem right to you ?     ’}

_{he spares no compassion for darren richmond,   not after how the skinner incident played out,   but the bottom line is the same :   it’s dangerous for  everyone  when somebody decides to take the law into their own hands with only a fraction of the information.    a lot of people have it coming.    he’d go as far as saying that a few  DESERVE  it.    but that’s not one person’s call to make.}

_{not belko royce’s.    not his.    not even linden’s.}

_{‘     yo    —    !    don’t be puttin’ words in my mouth.    she’s just a li’l  easier on the eyes  than cueball carl or jank - ass jablonski,   that’s all i’m sayin’.     ’}

_{there’s a click as he turns on the stove,   taking the opportunity to turn his back and hide the smile.    when she mentions caroline,   however,   despite it being offhand,   he wheels around again with raised eyebrows.}

_{‘     ain’t my  girlfriend  no more.    we had,   uh    —    irreconcilable differences.     ’}

_{in other words,   the relationship didn’t make it past her calling bullet a statistic.}

_{shoulders rise and fall.     ❛     wouldn’t know.    never been a cop.     ❜     lost in translation:  has only witnessed the true  horrors of mankind  from a street rat’s perspective and never once stopped to question how it might differ from a detective’s,  because she never had to.     ❛     ain’t gotta get all  political  on me,  damn.    i just think that sometimes you gotta do what you think’s right ‘n screw the system.     ❜}

_{the system doesn’t give a shit about you,  so why give a shit about the system ?    nobody seems to have the answer and she’s tired of waiting.    vigilante justice  might be the last justice this world has left to rely on.    and so,  while she believes what happened to darren richmond  shouldn’t have,  she can’t blame someone for wanting vengeance.}

_{maybe she doesn’t have all the facts.    maybe belko royce was just a nutcase.     maybe this,  maybe that.    gaze drops to examine the beaded necklace that’s been fashioned into a bracelet and adorning her wrist.    begins toying with it.}

_{❛     hell yeah,  she is.    cueball carl looks like one of them dudes off  the office  ‘n jablonski looks like he’d be jerkin’ it on a train behind a newspaper.    …  ain’t lookin’ good for you either,  with that goddamn  pedo ‘stache.     ❜}

_{a pause.    she looks up,  brows furrowed.     ❛     shit,  bet you just ran her off.     ❜     like she did with lyric.    (    she blames herself for that.    pushed too hard and moved too fast and ended up losing her to that low - rent punk.    it still hurts,  seeing them together.    knowing they left her behind and moved on to live a better life.    )     ❛     what’s it with these  chicks,  yo ?    can’t live with their crazy asses,  can’t live without ‘em.     ❜     the voice of experience.}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{‘     damn right.    s’all about  strategy,   knowin’ how to pick your battles.    see,   ‘cause they ain’t that different from us.     ’       he doesn’t have to tell her that.    bullet knows how  predatory  people can be.       ‘     —    so you’re gonna be a  vet,   huh.    i’m guessin’ you’re a dog person,   too,   am i right ?     ’}

_{❛    ‘cause we got them  survival instincts.    that fight or flight shit.    ❜     she thinks back to the afternoon beneath the bridge,  on the outskirts of tank’s squat,  where she thought she might find kallie.    about how she chose not to fight that battle because she knew the odds of walking out unscathed were slim.    and that’s  intuition.     ❛     been the dream ever since i was a li’l kid.    took all them classes at my boarding school ‘cause i thought it might get my foot in the door or somethin’.    …  yo,  who  don’t  like  dogs ?     ❜}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{‘     i’m  not.     ’       he wouldn’t.    not about this.    not about  anything.    when he sinks back into his own chair,   it’s restless ;   agitated.    his tone isn’t much different.       ‘     son of a bitch played us from the jump.    he’s the one who cut goldie loose,   he’s the one who had us chasin’ our tails to track down joe fuckin’ mills    —    me ‘n linden,   we got too close.    figured out it was a  cop.    skinner had internal affairs snatch my ass up right after,   that’s when we should’ve known.     ’       a pause.    the strong urge to light a cigarette.       ‘     linden,   she,   uh.    she saw the ring.    kallie’s ring.    he gave it to his own fuckin’ daughter.    by the time i went after ‘em,    they were up at lake sawyer    —    that’s where we found kallie and the others.    he was on his knees.   unarmed.    baiting  her,   you know.    he  wanted  her to shoot him.    so she shot him,    twice.    we got rid of the body,   covered it up    —    richmond’s the one who wanted mills to go down for it.    pinned it  all  on him like this was just some bullshit political play.    you keep this between us,   you understand ?    i don’t got a choice.     ’}

_{she doesn’t interject,  not once,  but she wants to.    she still has questions that need answers and she doesn’t  trust  him to plug in all the details.    but by the time he’s finished,  the string of queries would just prompt a  reiteration  of what he already told her.    she swallows and it feels a lot like shards of glass are sticking in her throat.    what is she supposed to say ?    two weeks ago,  she felt trapped between a rock and hard place.    finding out that she would never get to see kallie again was a truth that bullet wasn’t ready to process.}

_{now,  she’s forced to come to terms with the fact that the one who  killed her  will never be brought to justice.    his name will  never  be absconded.    it isn’t fair.    not to kallie and not to angie and not to all of those girls at the bottom of the lake and all of the ones yet to be found.    (    joe mills isn’t an innocent man.    he  deserved  to rot.    but not for a crime he didn’t commit    ––––    not as the pied piper.    )}

_{❛      screw you,  holder.     ❜}

_{it’s all she can manage when her gaze rises,  full of hurt and betrayal and all different shades of emotions that those girls would never get the chance to show again.}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{damned if there isn’t a part of him that  wishes  it was bullshit.    those few weeks    —    months    —    with her in a coma,   coupled with trying to cover up the death of a decorated police lieutenant    (   responsible for the rape and murder of at least forty young girls   ),    were some of the worst he can remember.       ‘     linden shot him.    you want the full story ?    sit your ass down.     ’}

_{what that  jank - ass cabbie  did to kallie was  sickening  to watch.    (    her skin crawls just thinking about it and she wants to climb out of it,  scrub herself clean.    )    but joe mills isn’t the man who targeted and terrorized those girls on the streets.   he isn’t the man who stuffed her in a trunk with a throat slit open,  a collapsed lung and broken ribs.    the anger she once felt may have tempered,  but she wants an explanation.    figures he  owes  her that.     ❛     don’t fuckin’ lie to me.     ❜     a word of warning before sinking down into the chair behind linden’s desk.}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{she doesn’t relent,   and he can’t blame her    —    but he still moves to pull that office door firmly shut,   mindful of anyone who might have been drawn to the commotion.    he has to  wait  to get a word in,   sharp,   not as loud as it could be.      ‘     he ain’t  walkin’  anywhere.    he’s fuckin’  dead.    alright ?    skinner’s dead.     ’}

_{she isn’t  finished  with him yet.    even tries sidestepping to cut him off before he can close the door,  prattling on about joe mills and the pied piper until the last second.    (    until he drops that bomb,  and she’s suddenly feeling like there’s a slew of things he hasn’t told her.    )    she pauses.    lets the weight of it sink in.     ❛     …  bullshit.     ❜}