_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{‘     you really think i’d let ‘em do that ?    you ain’t done nothin’ illegal    —    nothin’ they need to  know  about.    i ain’t lettin’ these fools come up in my dojo with their spit - shined hush puppies try’na  lay down the law.    besides    —    doc’s actually gotta cross her i’s ‘n dot her t’s first.    nobody said we can’t still give ‘em hell.     ’}

_{and this isn’t just him making promises he won’t be able to keep :   he means what he says.    there are always loopholes.    he’d go as far as paying a visit to the DA’s office,   if it comes to that.    (   caroline doesn’t have to like him,   but she’s enough of a professional to know this isn’t  ABOUT  him.    this is about trying to do right by a kid who deserves better than what she’s got.   )}

_{he straightens up from where he’s been leaning against the car,   arms uncrossing to tuck his hands in his pockets and level her gaze.    no  shit  she’s angry.}

_{‘     you ain’t goin’ to no  group home.    i don’t care  what  CPS says.     ’}

_{maybe she has,  maybe she  hasn’t.    maybe they’ll place her and maybe they won’t.    maybe he can  sway  the court to rule in her  personal interest,  but maybe he can’t,  and the gravity of being in a situation where she has no  control  is a ten - ton weight crushing her chest.}

_{she doesn’t know  what  to think,  because one of the last times she had faith in him,  she was found brushing death in the trunk of a car.    and pieces of her still  resent  him for that.    pieces that are bitter and angry and raw.    pieces that she’s  plugged in  to make herself whole again and she can’t risk abandoning that.}

_{it shouldn’t come as a surprise that bullet has maintained a careful distance from the prospect of  trust.    not just with him,  but with  anyone.    (    every time someone thinks they made headway,  there’s another minefield to cross.    )}

_{the toe of a boot scuffs the ground,  rolling a piece of gravel underfoot.    she takes one last pull,  flicking the cigarette between thumb and middle finger into the street.}

_{❛     think we can file for emancipation or whatever ?     ❜}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{‘     i don’t give a shit  how  you dress,   as long as you  show.     ’        he’s hedging,   because he doesn’t have an answer :   not with any real certainty.    when he signed on the dotted line,   the terms and conditions of guardianship were  TEMPORARY.    pending recovery,   blah,   blah.}

_{it really depends on your definition of recovery.}

_{but he wants to see her in a group home about as much as she wants to  be in  one    —    so he’ll fight it,   if he has to.    bend the rules.    work the system.    even if all that does is buy her a little more time.}

_{‘     look,   uh    —    if you wanna stick around,   we’ll stall ‘em,   alright ?    tell ‘em some sob story about bed - rest ‘n whatnot.    ain’t gonna let anybody  snatch your ass up,   don’t you worry ‘bout that.     ’}

_{❛    good.    ‘cause i don’t got a suit.     ❜     humourless,  dry as the fucking  sahara.    breathes smoke into her lungs and tries not to imagine what  life  is going to be like on the inside.    (    group home is just another synonym for a three year  prison  sentence.    )}    

_{she doesn’t want her name to be spoken of in pity.    another kid picked up off the street.    forced to abandon the lifestyle and surrender the  freedom.    her  bones  don’t ache like they used to and her body bears  scars  in place of bruises and contusions,  but recovered means of sound mind and health.    nothing about her is sound.}

_{❛     bullshit.    you can’t  stall ‘em  forever.    soon as the doc  signs off  on it,  they’re gonna slam - dunk my ass in the system ‘n that’s gonna be it.     ❜     her chest tightens with a familiar swell of displaced  anger.     ❛     they can’t tell me what t’ fuckin’ do.    screw that !    ‘n screw them.    they think they’re doin’ the world some kinda service when they’re really jus’  ruining  our goddamn lives !     ❜}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{‘     mama dips is waitin’ on those  conjugal privileges.    don’t tell nobody.     ’}

_{speaking of old hags.    there’s a quick pause for effect ;   he shrugs,   nods,   flicking away his finished cigarette and watching it spark briefly against the pavement.}

_{‘     keep ‘em  scared,   keep ‘em controlled.    that ain’t nothin’ new.     ’       but it’s still something to consider.    he finally surrenders the pack,    with an addendum.       ‘     hey,   uh    —    don’t forget,   CPS is comin’ by first thing friday morning.    make sure i don’t got’cha chained to the radiator eatin’  bread crusts  or whatever.    and your ass  better  show up for this,   bullet.    clean ‘n sober.    you feel me ?     ’}

_{❛     wrap it ‘fore you  tap it,  playa.     ❜}

_{anxious to get that  nicotine  fix,  she seizes the pack and strikes it against the heel of her palm    (    once then twice,  three times    )    before peeling off the cellophane wrap.    can always tell by the  smell  if the cigarettes have been sitting on the shelves for too long.    these are fresh.}

_{pulls one out and fishes in her pockets for a light.    ignores the mention of  CPS  until her lungs are full of  smoke  and she’s feeling light.    airy on the buzz,  the rush of chemicals and toxins and whatever else is in these things.     ❛     you want me  dressed t’ the nines,  too ?    fuck.    i’m not gonna  forget.    think they’re  finally  gonna snatch my ass up ‘n put me in a group home ?     ❜}

_{she plays it off,  but the  last  thing bullet needs is to be uprooted from home    (    or rather,  the closest she has to one that isn’t just an old,  stained mattress in an abandoned building.    not ideal,  but it’s better than weathering the bitter cold this upcoming winter.    a lot better,  actually.    )}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{‘     oh,   snap !   only  block  i been up ‘n down’s the one i got all my options  linin’ up  on.     ’}

_{it’s an easy routine,   something they fell into the same day they met.    (   it’s a good thing.    means she isn’t  too far gone  yet.   )    he came prepared    —    knew she’d try to work him,   because she always does if given the chance,   and he pulls out an unopened pack of victories that he holds  just  out of reach.}

_{‘     since you  know how the game works,   how ‘bout you start talkin’.    ain’t got all day.     ’}

_{❛     yeah,  bet you  real  popular with them old  hags  in their forties who’re still sellin’ their shit for  crack.     ❜}

_{she  works him  because it’s  easy.    manipulating adults is a  cakewalk.    all you need is a bit of leverage or a good sob story.    she reaches out,  eagerly,  then scowls as the pack is  distanced  from her.    (    speaking of leverage.    )    arms fold across her chest,  chin raised.}

_{❛     dunno nothin’ ‘bout that.    probably not,  ‘cause it’s bad for  business,  yo !    unless that shit was premeditated or whatever.    her pimp could’a made her do it.    these low - rent punks might have  shit for brains,  but they know their girls’ll take the  fall  ‘cause they’re scared of what’ll happen to ‘em if they don’t.     ❜}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{‘     i know you ain’t seen me on my  lunch break  chasin’ tail down skid row.    the fuck i look like ?     ’}

_{don’t answer that.    of course he’s kidding ;   but if nothing else,   you won’t find him paying for  dates  from trick - turning teenage girls.    he’s arrested people for less.}

_{he ashes his cigarette,   leans back against the side of his car.       ‘     so in your,   uh,   infinite wisdom,   you ever hear ‘bout a working girl who offs a john like this ?    ‘cause even if it  was  one of them  escorts,    li’l mama’s gonna need some help movin’ that body.     ’}

_{❛     nah,  ‘cause you been keepin’ it  low key.    think i don’t know how the game  works,  homeboy ?    you ‘n that pedo ‘stache probably been up ‘n down the  block.     ❜}

_{enjoys the banter,  the  back and forth  consisting mostly of  gibing remarks  at his expense.    being free to mock and ridicule.    he knows how to take a joke on a good day and doesn’t even  threaten  her on the bad.}

_{she eyes the cigarette.    pauses,  watching the smoke unfurl and climb to the skies and disappear.     ❛     maybe.    ain’t seein’ what’s in it for me if i tell you though.     ❜     went through the  whole pack  of cigarettes he’d given her just two days prior.    she’s  hurting.    can’t you tell ?}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{funny she should bring that up ;   his little covert op at the wapi eagle casino had almost gone south in an uncomfortably  LITERAL  sense,   but he’d put the brakes on before anybody got caught with their pants down.    so it wouldn’t be the  first time  he wound up in a compromising position.    he takes a long drag of his cigarette,   amusement flickering briefly across his face.} 

_{‘     —    call that  takin’ one for the team,   li’l man.    you know how we do.     ’}

_{❛     that’s  nasty,  yo !    you know how many diseases these bitches are carryin’ ‘round ?     ❜}

_{she doesn’t know either,  but  assumes  based on the stories on passed from street corner to street corner.    never pulled a date for  scratch  but knows people who have,  and it makes her heart sink like a stone.    fifteen,  sixteen,  and seventeen year old  kids  selling their bodies because they don’t have another choice.    destroying  their bodies.}

_{she knows he’s kidding.    doesn’t temper the harsh reality of living on the  streets  that some of these kids endure.}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{‘     whatever.     ’       that’s one door he isn’t opening again,   not even for bullet.    no sense in  beating a dead horse.    skinner is six feet under,   joe mills is behind bars,   and the culmination of that shitstorm was the farthest possible thing from justice served.}

_{he  knows  it’s bullshit.}

_{that she found out about angie gower’s cause of death doesn’t come as a surprise :   word gets around.    these kids talk.    all it would take is for one person to hear one shred of gossip and it spreads like fucking gospel.}

_{‘     what details ?    tox came back negative the first time,   but my CI cried  arsenic  so i had ‘em run it again.    you think one of his girls had  that  up her skirt ?     ’}

_{he doesn’t  have to,  because she would’ve been more than willing to break it down with a battering ram.    but she isn’t  looking  for a fight.    doesn’t imagine he’d entertain it even if she were.}

_{(    she heard about angie through the grapevine.    nothing is  sacred  on the streets.    your business is everyone’s business if the wrong person finds out about it,  and there’s a lot of kids  hoeing for attention  on skid row who mingle fact with fiction.    but the fact he didn’t  deny it  speaks volumes.    her gut cartwheels.    )}

_{❛     dunno.    maybe ?    ain’t gonna drop t’ my knees ‘n find out.    but if you wanna take a swing at it   –––   …     ❜}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{maybe it  wouldn’t  have changed anything :   kallie was dead from the moment she stepped foot outside beacon that night,   her fate sealed in blood and lake water.    but it would have spared bullet all that waiting.    the  not knowing,   the long,   dark void of uncertainty,   the what - ifs,   the remnants of  hope  as fragile and breakable as the bones of a fifteen - year - old girl.}

_{sooner  would have meant danette leeds had something to say goodbye to.    that her child’s body still had a face,   instead of    —    and she wouldn’t have  wanted  to see that,   right ?    wouldn’t have wanted to remember her daughter like that,   rotting,   desiccated,   unrecognizable.}

_{(   and  bullet  doesn’t need to remember her  best friend  like that,   either.    needs to remember kallie how she looked in that photo she showed him at the station that first time.    full of light.    smiling.    alive.   )}

_{‘     i know.     ’       she looks  exhausted.    wrung out,   like she’s seen the world die and live and die all over again.    it’s one of those times where she looks a hell of a lot older than she is,   and it makes him heartsick.    the scar on her neck is more visible when she leans back but he doesn’t look at it,   doesn’t let his eyes wander.    can only begin to  imagine  the kind of bullshit questions she probably gets asked about it every day.}

_{there’s no shame,   none at all,   in  survival.    but the mark of a  private hell  is no one else’s business.}

_{no one’s to wear but hers.}

_{‘     —    take ‘em.     ’       despite the twenty dollars he’d just given her,   he passes over what’s left of his pack of cigarettes.    more than half - full.    the car’s still idling outside a café,   colorless in the rain.       ‘     you want somethin’ hot to drink ?    they got good coffee ‘n whatnot in there.    you already  know  i’m payin’.     ’}

_{she thinks back to when she was  eight  years old,  visiting home from boarding school.    there was an incident with a knife and  inexperienced hands  that left an open gash down the inside of her middle finger.    the  skin  was angry,  split and raw.    she never thought it would bleed so much.    was fascinated by it.    until she wasn’t.}    

_{until the  pain  set in and the  wound  began to feel more like it should to a young girl.    her mother had ushered her into the washroom,  demanded she  wait  while she gets hydrogen peroxide and a second opinion.    (    stitches,  or no stitches.    )    the anticipation,  being left  to sit and think about much  worse  this is going to get,  hurt more than the injury itself.}    

_{she was child then,  with a childlike frame of mind.    not as desensitised to pain as she is at present.    and while she’d like to imagine the situation  similar  to how it was seven years ago,  there was  nothing  similar about it.    no correlation.    prolonging the  inevitable  didn’t  hurt more  than finding out the truth.    there are days where she wishes he hadn’t told her,  so she could live in peaceful oblivion.    days where she wishes this kind of  pain  was as easy of a fix as a numbing injection on site and threading sutures through the  gaping wound  in her chest.}

_{but it isn’t.    and she’s grappling to accept it.}

_{exhaustion,  on the other hand     –––––     she could sleep if she  wanted  to,  but she doesn’t.    terrors plague her dreams to the point where it’s  impossible  to rest without something knocking her out  cold.    the bottom of a bottle.    two or more tablets of morphine.    a joint or three or however many she can roll up before she passes out.}

_{she fights a yawn,  cutting a glance outside.    remembers hustling these  hippies  out of at least fifty bucks,  cash money,  several months ago.    his proposal draws back her attention    (    and she doesn’t  hesitate  to take the pack off his hands.    slides one behind her ear,  the remainder in the front pocket of her knapsack.    )    sniffs,  wiping at the nose with her sleeve.}

_{❛     coffee ?    fuck off.    they got hot chocolate ?     ❜}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{‘     man,   everybody  plays dirty in this damn town,   no doubt.    ain’t nobody ever teach this fool to keep it in his khakis ?     ’       not that someone deserves to die for sleeping around,   but if the girl,   or  girls,   happened to be underage    —    needless to say,   too few of these perverts get what’s coming to them.}

_{he mulls that over for a minute,   because there’s more than a grain of truth to what she’s saying but the pieces still don’t quite fit.    poison doesn’t add up,   isn’t the usual M.O. in cases like these.    women  like to use poison.}

_{‘     debt or no debt,   he pissed somebody off bad enough to kill him.    don’t make  sense,   though,   doin’ him like that.    i mean,   pimps ‘n gangbangers,   you know,   they do it execution - style.   shot to the head    —    boom.    end of story.    this one’s different.     ’}

_{❛     yeah,  so ?    whole damn  system’s  corrupt.    ain’t no surprise that a couple skanks got aces up their skimpy - ass lingerie pieces when the  pigs  are coverin’ up murders for each other.     ❜     still bitter about joe mills,  but knows to keep the  brazen accusations  at a minimum in public.}

_{even if she thinks it’s complete  bullshit.}

_{❛     –––––     then what’s it like ?    don’t  skimp me  on the details,  yo !    can’t be  half as bad  as findin’ angie charbroiled to a fuckin’ crisp.     ❜}

_{nonchalant.    as if it didn’t bother her that skinner caught up to that girl before she even had the  chance  to start a new life outside of seattle.    she blames herself for that,  too.}