_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{faith and religion,   in his book if not  the  book,   are two different things.    (    j.c.,   buddha,   lacto - ovo vegetarianism,   whatever.   )    people believe what they want to believe    —    or what they  don’t.   the whole  higher power  debate is inconclusive,   and irrelevant :   it’s all a matter of perception.}

_{his job seldom allows  breathing  room,   let alone time off.   he’d eked out whatever he could,   scattered few hours here and there,   in the midst of shifts that could go from sixteen hours to seventy - two in a heartbeat,   just to sit with her in that hospital.   listen to the whirr of machinery that monitored vitals,   measured brain waves,   kept some dormant part of her anchored in reality.    sometimes he was quiet.    other times,   he’d talk.    studies done on coma patients showed responses to certain outside stimuli,   like the sound of a familiar voice ;   so he’d sit there beside her and he’d talk,   because he didn’t know what else to do.}

_{maybe she heard him.    maybe she didn’t.}

_{but she was  somewhere,   wandering some other plane,   chasing ghosts.    no one except skinner had known kallie was in that lake.    holder didn’t know it himself,   not until he saw her at the  morgue  with the others.    saw that little earring in the shape of a star,   all tangled up in filthy,   waterlogged strands of strawberry blonde.}

_{and somewhere in bullet’s subconscious,   kallie  knew.}

_{‘     ––––––    like she’d been in the  rain,   or like she’d been underwater ?     ’       he sucks in a quick,   contained breath,   voice low ;   almost a rasp.    barely registers pulling the car over and dropping it into park.}

_{‘     we looked for her.    i know it don’t seem like anybody gave a shit,   like she was just a statistic,   but we never stopped lookin’.    just wish we could’a got there sooner.     ’}

_{she  failed  to mention the times where she looked out over the parapet and caught a glimpse of  kallie  beneath the water.    how she looked peaceful.    floating,  hair  fanned out  around her,  staring up at the world.    like she was just waiting for someone to  join  her.    remembers wading in to pull her out,  and how the water clung to her clothes and skin.    it was lukewarm.    a comfort to gooseflesh.    she hadn’t  realised  she was  cold  until that moment.}

_{fresh out of the hospital,  bullet did a little research on the care of coma patients out of morbid  curiosity,  and came to the conclusion that maybe some of what she experienced had outside influence.    (    for example,  someone she isn’t familiar with  touching her body  without explicit permission.    realistically,  she knows the alternative might have  killed  her,  or at the very least,  would have let all that bacteria fester until it caused  infection.    semantics notwithstanding,  she could chalk up the warmth of the water to being  bathed  regularly.    but,  she couldn’t rationalise seeing kallie like that.    knowing without  knowing.    )}

_{❛     …  underwater,  i guess.     ❜}

_{she closes her eyes.    takes a breath.    envisions kallie with her long hair in loose curls,  a light  tint  on her lips and that bright gaze,  crystalline blue.}    

_{kallie made her  delete  the photo from her camera roll because she didn’t like the  angle  it was taken.    but she couldn’t delete the memory.    picturing her like that instead of a decomposed mass of bone and sinew might have been the only thing keeping bullet from shattering.    (    why does this always happen ?    when will it stop ?    and how can she move forward when everything she  sees  is kallie ?    )}

_{she takes another drag off the cigarette before flicking it out of the window.     ❛     it wouldn’t’ve mattered.     ❜     head leant back against the seat,  turning to level a gaze with the detective’s.    hollow,  tired.     ❛     she was already dead ‘n findin’ her sooner wasn’t gonna  change  nothin’    ––––     ❜}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{‘     i got a  reason  to be trollin’ your crib ?    ‘cause it  sounds  like your skinny ass is holdin’ out on me.    i know he was in deep with some bad people.    financial records are a little too pristine,   if you catch my drift.   his old lady thinks he was havin’ an affair,   but i ain’t buyin’    —    there’s more to it than that.    so if you heard somethin’  worthwhile,   now’s the time to come clean.     ’}

_{❛     nope.    nobody’s  done  nothin’.    look,  all i heard was that he fell ass over teakettle down the rabbit hole.    if you ask me,  he wasn’t jus’ havin’  one affair.    he was probably havin’  a lot of ‘em.    them respected gentleman types don’t go cruisin’ down skid row t’ get some ass on the  sly.    they got escorts for that.    ‘n  some  of these escorts play dirty,  in more ways than one.     ❜}

_{she’s  protecting  someone.    doesn’t want to give too much  private intel  to the  pigs,  but also somehow feels obligated.    because she  lied  once before.    because she  almost  got linden  killed.}

_{❛     –––––     okay,  so we  established  my people seen him around,  right ?    means  one of two  things.    his paycheck was either goin’ up his nose or  down  someone’s throat.    but either way,  didn’t hear nothin’ ‘bout no  loan - shark  or debt.    couldn’t get in touch with my guy.     ❜}

_{❛     didn’t get nothin’ on yo’  shark,  but word on the street is,  homeboy  was caught up in some shizz not too long ago    ––––    couple  months,  maybe.    when my people know yo’ people,  that ain’t a  good sign.    you didn’t hear that from me,  though.    ‘n don’t you go  trollin’  my crib again,  either !     ❜}     // @originalgrilla

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{he doesn’t much believe in that shit,   either.    doesn’t really know  what  he believes anymore,   and it’s certainly not for a lack of wanting.    god checked out on me.    sometimes,   that crucifix inked on the back of his neck feels like a comfort ;   other times,   a contradiction.    the same way those nuns’ voices used to quiet his mind before they became nothing but static noise.}

_{that’s all it ever is now.   noise.}

_{she starts to shut down :   he can hear it in her voice,   the dismissal,   the hard - edged repetition of something they both know isn’t true.    it don’t matter.    except it does.    she just can’t move past it,   not yet,   not when she’s still being dragged down by a vicious undertow.}

_{regardless,   he waits.    the traffic lights go from yellow to red and he eases the car to a standstill,   flicking ash from the tip of his cigarette as she does the same next to him.}

_{‘     —    but you remember what she said.     ’       he cuts a peripheral glance as the light turns green.       ‘     what else do you remember ?     ’}

_{religion  is a scapegoat.    there is no higher power at play.    no one else is controlling the board.    if there was a god    (    whoever,  wherever,    )    he  abandoned  this world a long time ago.    and so she relies on a different kind of faith.    the  faith  she puts in  herself,  because no one else does.    the faith she believes kallie had in her.}

_{she once had an  optimistic  perspective.    tends to lean more toward  realism  nowadays,  waffling in between on those days where she feels  stronger  than the night before.    but this isn’t one of them.}

_{what else do you remember ?}

_{too much.    she remembers too much.    (    and not enough at the same time.    )    some things aren’t so bad.    they’re mostly warm and bright.    she dreamed in colour and heard the voices of those she has  fonder  memories of.    her parents and holder,  sometimes even linden.    but she could never see them  clearly.    like looking through smudged glass.}

_{but with the good,  comes the  bad.    the  looking over your shoulder  bad and the  someone’s watching you  bad and the  i don’t know where i am  bad.    with the good came an all - encompassing fear that she’d never find a way out.}

_{❛     –––––     when i finally got t’ talk to her,  she didn’t look like  kallie.    she did,  but she didn’t.    looked like she’d been sitting in the rain.    …  she told me i should go home.    that my  dad  was lookin’ everywhere for me.    ‘n then she  hugged me  ‘n told me not to  wait up,  that she was okay and not to worry ‘bout her so much.     ❜}

_{a pause.}

_{❛     she said they found her ‘n she’s goin’ home too.    that’s all i can really remember.     ❜     in hindsight,  it makes more sense  now  than it did then.    they found her body.}

_{how did she know that ?}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{‘     it ain’t weird.    you were lookin’ for her    —    maybe she knew.    i mean,   maybe she knew you had her back,   you weren’t givin’ up.    it ain’t on you,   what happened to her.    you gotta see that.     ’}

_{but it’s never that easy.    didn’t mean anything then,   curtains drawn,   room clouded with smoke,   linden repeating a mantra of  it’s not your fault.    it’s not your fault.    and it probably doesn’t mean anything now.    kallie’s in the ground and everyone remembers james skinner as a decorated cop.    guilt works like a slow - acting poison.    he knows.}

_{‘     …  what’d she say to you ?     ’}

_{❛     i don’t  believe  in that shit.     wherever she is,  it ain’t here.     ❜     but sometimes it still feels like it,  doesn’t it ?    sometimes,  it  feels  like you’re being watched.}

_{kallie’s dead.    a faceless,  rotting  corpse.    as if she wasn’t rotting before she was found.    and it  isn’t  her fault but she shoulders the blame anyway because maybe,  maybe if she had just given her the ticket,  she’d be  alive  and full of light.     maybe someone else would have taken her place that night instead,  but maybe bullet wouldn’t have cared so much about  someone else  when her whole heart was still intact and her veins didn’t feel bled dry.}

_{smoke  filters  in,  then back out of her lungs.    ashes the cigarette out of the cracked window just as the rain begins to fall.    a light drizzle.}

_{❛     nothin’.    it don’t matter.     ❜}

_{she’s clamming up again,  closing herself off to the prospect of     –––––     to the prospect of what ?    anything that isn’t bottling up your emotions ?    her  body  can only take so much pain.    her  mind  can only hold so much guilt.    what happens when she  exceeds  that limit ?    will her bones break ?    will her world shatter ?    will she feel hollow ?}

_{(    it wouldn’t be the first time.    )}

_{❛     …  she didn’t say anything that made  sense.     ❜}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{due at the station ten minutes ago,   he drives without a destination in mind.    away from  skid row,   giving the water a wide berth,   navigating an aimless grid downtown.    surrounded by traffic and early morning commuters as far removed from them as images on a tv screen.    he lights a cigarette out of habit,   doesn’t expect the silence to break and something tightens up under his sternum when it does.    his eyes stay on the road.}

_{wherever i was.    the coma she wasn’t supposed to wake up from,   but did.    because she’s stronger than that.}

_{‘     –––––––    you talk to her ?     ’}

_{❛     tried to.     ❜     but couldn’t  close  enough.    she was just  out of reach,  every time.    following the very  glimpse  of strawberry blonde around street corners and into buildings.    even  into the water,  where she once saw her beneath the surface.    hollow eyes open to the world.    hair  fanned out  around her in a way that made it seem peaceful.    quiet.    but most of all,  lonely.}

_{realises  now  what she didn’t then.    (    even in her subconscious,  kallie was waiting to be found.    )    fumbles around in her coat pocket for a moment,  cursing  under her breath.    pulls a cigarette from  his  pack instead and lights it,  poisoning her lungs.}

_{her hands are trembling.    she  ignores  it.    tries to play it off as a tic,  bouncing  her knee as if she’s restless.}

_{❛     i did talk to her.    once.    it was weird.    i dunno.     ❜}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{there’s a learning curve with all this for both of them.    it’s not supposed to be easy.    they’re  trying,   and that has to count for something,   right ?    most days,   he feels like he’s running on fumes.    on a reservoir of patience that should have long since dried out.    but they’re trying.}

_{he’s trying.}

_{a smile,   almost.    or the ghost of one.}

_{‘     yeah,   you  said  that.    you say that every time.    get in    —    breakfast’s on me.     ’}

_{she still hasn’t some  fight  left in her.    doesn’t give up that  quick,  no matter how bad she wants to     (    because the pain and the hurt have  burrowed  in her chest and made itself  at home  between the spaces of her ribs.    just when she thinks she’s past it,  something else  starts to bruise.    )    she won’t ever go down quietly.}

_{these  demons  have a lot of work to do before they can bring her to both knees.}

_{silent until seated in the passenger seat,  bullet shifts,  one knee bent and  tucked  against her chest.    stares out the window,  watching unfamiliar faces pass by in a blur.}

_{❛     kallie  was there.    wherever i was.    i saw her.     ❜}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{‘     are you  fuckin’  kidding me,   bullet ?    first you wanna  help out,   now you’re gonna turn around and act like    —     ’       like a teenager.    exactly like  he  would have acted at fifteen.    with all that bravado,   sometimes he forgets :   she’s just a kid.}

_{a sharp inward breath gives way to a sharper exhale,   misting out in front of him ;   there’s a chill in the air that seeps down marrow - deep.    the brief flare of anger that clipped his words doesn’t last longer than it takes to level his gaze.       ‘     whatever.    look,   you,   uh    —    you want me to drop you off somewhere ?    cold as hell out here,   ‘n i  know  you ain’t got’cha flu shot yet.     ’}

_{❛     ain’t actin’ like  nothin’.     ❜     she  did  want to help.    still  does.    her attitude may switch on a dime,  but that  doesn’t  mean she’s less  inclined  to lend a helping hand.}

_{let her be angry and  pick fights  because it’s the only way she knows how to cope.    let her  navigate  through this  cornucopia of emotion,  biting into each until she finds the most   ripe.    just let her go through the motions.    (    be patient with her.    )    she’ll get there.    a scowl paints her expression,  in time with the  step  taken away from the car door.     ❛     you ain’t my chauffeur.     ❜}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{he  did  know.    maybe he wanted to hear it from her.    in some warped,   ass - backwards way,   he’s trying to say  i get it.    trying to say that he’s been there.    getting drunk,   getting high.    just ‘cause i can.    just to feel something else.    or,   ideally,   nothing at all.    it’s the same,   but  not  the same,   because no two experiences are ever identical,   no two people tread matching paths down this ugly road.    she doesn’t know the half of what he’s done,   and he hopes to god    —    or whoever’s listening    —    that she’ll never have to find out.}

_{a scoff as he takes two steps forward,   car keys still in hand.    this is neither the time nor the place.}

_{‘     you the voice of experience now ?    we’re not doin’ this here,   get in the damn car.     ’}

_{digs her  heels  in,  chin up in  defiance,  a rebellious glint behind the eye    (    and you can’t tell by the way she’s holding herself,  shoulders  squared  and jawline taut,  but she’s beginning to feel somewhat  anxious.    )    bullet wants him to get  angry,  to raise his voice and cause a scene so she has another excuse.    the  proximity  isn’t as distanced as it once was.    fists tighten on pure reflex,  but remain in the warm pockets of her coat.}

_{the bill crinkles beneath the movement.    she wishes she’d never  asked  for it.    wishes she hadn’t gone down this road.}

_{❛     or  what ?    you gonna  drag me  into the station again ?     ❜}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{‘     yeah,   i  was,   ‘cause i don’t like you  lyin’  to me.    if you’re gonna be drinkin’ my paycheck,   at least be straight up about it.   own your shit.     ’       it’s blunt,   and there’s an edge to it,   but he’s quick to dial back into something more neutral.    he isn’t  angry    —    not at her.    not for the reasons you’d think.    she was dealt a fucked - up hand and she’s trying to cope in the best way she knows how.    nobody said he had to like it.       ‘     just make sure t’ keep me in the loop,   alright ?    don’t be chasin’ down  leads  ‘n shit by yourself.    if somethin’ don’t feel right,   you back off and let me do my job.     ’}

_{❛     fine.    you  really  wanna know ?     ❜}

_{you can  smell it  on her,  soured from the rain.    malt liquor and a whiskey chaser that didn’t burn quite as bad as she anticipated.    she was  used  to it.    swallowing the truth,  bitter pill after bitter pill,  has that effect.    or maybe the  dope  she smoked just made it  seem  that way.}

_{❛     i’m jus’ doin’ the same messed up crap you did.    been gettin’ drunk.    gettin’ high,  just ‘cause i can.    it ain’t like there’s anything  better  t’ do.     ❜}

_{voiced casual,  as though they were talking about something as  menial  as the weather,  but with disparaging and spiteful undertones typical of a  fifteen year old girl  who feels as though he’s casting too much judgement.    she doesn’t care who’s around to hear it.}