_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{‘     —    so it’s like  that.     ’       if she’s angling for a distraction,   he can commiserate ;   but this can’t be the right way to go about it.    she’s only been out of the hospital a few weeks.    shouldn’t even be on the  streets,   let alone working cases.    it’s another of those situations,   like the drinking,   like the  drugs,   that he has no control over :   when she wants to do something,   she’ll do it whether he gives her the green light or not.       ‘     ain’t  about  trust.    look,   you wanna call in a favor ?   fine.    but that’s  it,   y’ hear ?    don’t even  breathe  on this case unless it goes through me first.     ’}

_{❛     yup.     ❜     it’s like  that,  because she’s grown tired of catering to what  others  think she needs versus what she thinks she needs,  which is nothing if not  purpose.    a will to keep herself afloat.    one that she’ll  find  anywhere she can.    she wants to  help.    not herself,  but those she cares about.    it’s all she’s  ever  wanted to do.    she lifts a hand to brush beneath her nose,  drawing in a breath and casting a sidelong glance before looking back.     ❛     it ain’t about  trust,  but you were just givin’ me the  third degree  over some scratch ?    whatever,  yo.    ain’t gonna dick around on yo’ case ‘n  fuck it up.    scout’s honour.     ❜}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{‘     that ain’t your  problem.    cases like this,   you know,   it ain’t rocket science    —    i worked bigger shitstorms at county.     ’       but as much as he’s loath to admit it,   she’s right.    people don’t talk to cops.    particularly not the kind of people he has to track down,   names or no names.    having a fully - functional bullshit detector doesn’t make it any less of a hassle when somebody gives him the runaround.    it gets old  fast.       ‘     you think them motherfuckers are gonna let a kid grill ‘em for intel ?    you start askin’ too many questions,   what d’you think’s gonna happen ?     ’}

_{❛     yeah,  so ?    bet yo’ ass will still take  weeks  t’ get the answers i could get in two days.     ❜     providing her head is in it and not up on  cloud nine  next to poochie.    she hasn’t been this sober since finding out the truth about kallie and the pied piper.    thinks that  maybe,  maybe if she has something to do with herself,  temptation  won’t come calling.    maybe she won’t feel so uncomfortable in her own goddamn skin,  itching to get out of it.     ❛     didn’t say a damn thing about  me  doin’ all the  dirty work.    i still got people who owe me favours,  ‘n they know better than t’ lie     –––––     but hey,  if you don’t  trust  me,  then i’ll take my  intel  to someone else who’ll pass it along ‘n who knows what’ll happen  then.    ball’s in yo’ court,  playa.     ❜}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{when it comes down to it,   he probably couldn’t shut her out now if he’d  wanted  to.    he doesn’t.    making no move to get past her,   it’s less annoyance and more a disinclination to let go of  choice  in any capacity ;   he can’t stop her from sniffing around,   and  that’s  what bothers him.    she’s too hard - headed for that.    too smart for her own good,   sometimes.       ‘     alright.    so gimme a name ‘n i’ll follow up on it.     ’}

_{too  hard - headed,  yes.     smart ?    up for debate.    she’s fifteen and still governed by  emotion,  too often acting out on  impulse  rather than thinking things through.    still has a lot to learn.    but this is one of those times where her street - smarts outweigh his.    she scoffs,  light and airy and less out of derision than you might expect.     ❛     p’ft.    you know better’n that.    it don’t  work  that way,  bugs.    them triflin’ - ass motherfuckers ain’t gonna tell the cops jack,  ‘n even if they  did,  they’d steer you  sour.    loan - sharks hate  competition.    they’ll say anything t’ get competitors off the streets ‘cause that’s more  profit  for them,  you feel me ?    they’ll be runnin’ circles ‘round your crusty ass.     ❜}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{it’s been a while since she busted out the nickname,   and there’s a fleeting few seconds where things are as they should be.    got him under my thumb.    he rounds the corner to where his car is parked,   keys in hand,   narrowly avoiding a  collision  because she won’t quit circling.       ‘     you ain’t on the payroll no more,   li’l man.    don’t want you gettin’ involved in this shit.     ’       didn’t work out so well the last time.       ‘     i don’t  know  what kinda debt.    homeboy didn’t seem like the gamblin’ type    —    loan - sharking,   maybe.     ’}

_{after everything that’s happened,  from their last argument to finding out lyric and twitch had  abandoned  her,  she doesn’t think she has the strength to cope with someone else shutting her out.    not without  losing herself  somewhere down the line,  for the second time.     ❛     ain’t your choice t’  make  though,  is it ?     ❜     both arms secured across her chest,  back leant against the driver’s door.    she looks up,  half - expectant to be met with mild irritation.    even annoyance.     ❛     i might know a guy who knows a guy who can maybe help you out.    well,  not you,  but the case.     ❜}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{JUNKYARDTEEN.}

_{safe.    what is  ‘ safe ’ ?    used to think it was just having a roof over your head at night,  or someplace warm to lay your head when the bitter winter chill sinks into your bones and starves your lungs of oxygen.    (    it gets so  cold  in seattle.    )    she thought having a tight knit group of friends and knowing how to pick your battles,  knowing when to back down and when not to,  would keep her  safe.    that a strong right hook and a loud  voice  would ward off danger.    and if not,  she could at least  scare them off.    she used to be good at that.    ‘ safe ’  used to be street - smart.}

_{her perspective has changed.    she doesn’t feel  safe  very often.    in her dreams,  she’s being hunted.    the recurring nightmares of being trapped and caged like a wild animal are getting worse.    she always wakes up  feral,  with the taste of blood  souring  on her tongue.}    

_{the  outside world  isn’t much better.    and yet,  bullet would still choose living on the streets to the white picket american dream home.    it’s who she is.    ❛     i don’t go lookin’ for trouble.    you ain’t gotta worry ‘bout that.     ❜     but she’ll find it    (    because hanging around  poochie  is bound to attract worse company.    )}

_{she doesn’t look at him right away.    too occupied scrolling through the images on her phone of lyric and twitch.    kids she used to roll with,  some of whom she hasn’t seen since shit hit the fan.    avoids the ones of kallie until she catches a glimpse of the picture she’d taken,  three days before she went missing.    she looked  happy.    chucking up that peace sign and smiling.    laughing.    bullet smiles back.}

_{vision begins to blur around the peripherals and she has to force herself to hold back,  beat down  that grief and pocket her phone.    an inhale through the nose,  gaze flitting up to meet holder’s before something catches her eye.}    

_{the ring she’d planned to give to lyric.    kallie had offered to hold onto it.    keep it safe from thieving kids at beacon.}

_{her throat suddenly feels tight and she wants to get up and leave,  pretend they’d  never  had this conversation.    she’d been doing well at keeping her emotions stunted,  refusing to let herself feel that pain out of fear it may never  stop.    but now she has to face it,  head on.    taking that ring,  knowing exactly what to do with it,  means having to  accept  that kallie is gone.    she isn’t ready for that.    not yet.}

_{❛     can you,  uh   –––   can you keep it ?    y’ know.    got somewhere t’ be ‘n i don’t wanna  lose it  or nothin’.     ❜}

_{trouble always seems to be two steps behind her,   whether she goes looking for it or not.    it circles back to that tired mantra you’ll hear cops telling each other sometimes,   after a particularly bad case    —    you can’t win ‘em all.    you can’t save everyone.    he remembers what linden said,   overheard on the open radio channel when she was in the car with pastor mike.    about going home every night and wondering if you missed something,   if you could have done more.    that’s the kind of thought process that landed her in  psych  three years ago.}

_{it’s why they’re trained not to compromise things by getting too close,   too attached,   too  emotional.    stay objective.    professional.    sympathize,   don’t empathize.}

_{don’t take it home with you.}

_{and that worked,   for a while.    he was  good  at it,   at knowing where to draw the line.    until this fucking kid managed to get under his skin and all he’d ever learned about  objectivity  went out the window.}

_{because she got hurt.    because he’d had to go home  KNOWING,   not wondering,   that he could have done more.    he could have picked up his phone.    he could have called her back.    swallowed his pride and  listened  to her.    maybe if he had,   they would have taken skinner down  alive  and seen him pay for what he’d done to those little girls.    maybe if he had,   she wouldn’t be wearing the evidence of a slashed throat for the rest of her life.}

_{don’t get too attached.}

_{well,   it’s a little  late  for that.}

_{there’s a quiet strain in her voice,   but he knows better than to ask questions.    he doesn’t  have  to.    just offers a nod,   leaving the ring where it is,   trying to convey without words that he’ll do whatever it is she needs him to do.}

_{‘     —    yeah.    it’s here when you’re ready for it.     ’}

_{he’ll hold onto it,   like he held onto her necklace.    like he carried one of kallie’s earrings with him until he could give it back to the girl’s mother.    this stuff doesn’t belong in an evidence locker ;   if kallie were  his  daughter,   that’s not what he’d want.    he’ll hold onto it as long as he has to.}

_{as long as it takes for her to make peace.}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{‘     case of me ‘n yo’  mama  playin’ late night marco - polo.     ’       tasteless,   but he’d rather resort to bad jokes than actually address the issue at hand.    as it turns out,   making her spend twelve hours in a holding cell didn’t have quite the  scared straight  effect he’d hoped.       ‘     —    some fool dumped by the waterfront,   somethin’ about  debts  or whatever.    i got a CI on it.     ’}

_{❛     think you’re real funny,  don’t’cha bugs ?     ❜     they’re cut from the same  blood - stained  cloth.    she noticed this a long time ago.    (    he speaks her language without even trying.     )     the mention of another  informant  gives her pause for thought,  but she picks up the speed of her gait and sidesteps in front of him shortly after.     ❛     what kinda debt are we talkin’ about ?    you  replacin’  me now ?     ❜}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{‘     well maybe if you ate a little more  greens  ‘n a little less  processed cholesterol with a side of diabetes,   you’d be on my level.    ’}

_{❛     man,  whatever !    i was in a freakin’ coma for weeks ‘n bein’ fed through one of them  tubes  ‘n you still gonna harp on me about my diet ?    that ain’t even  right,  yo.     ❜}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{‘     do what you gotta do,   bullet.     ’       cigarette flicked away as he starts down the street.    if he’s surprised at the way she’s still dogging at his heels,   he doesn’t show it.    what she does on her own time is out of his hands,   but that’s hard to reconcile with the part of him that feels  responsible.       ‘     yup.    caught a case and the new LT’s been ridin’ my ass about all that  pied piper  paperwork.    like linden says    —    clock never stops.     ’}

_{feels like she should say something,  but can’t find the right words.    maybe there  aren’t  any  right words.    maybe there’s just  white noise,  transmitted into a half - assed explanation that doesn’t even make sense.     ❛     what’s the case ?    you got any juicy details ?     ❜     she shouldn’t be asking,  but she does it anyway,  prying  for information with her fingers crossed that he’ll forget about the money.}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{‘     just ‘cause you  said it  don’t make it true.     ’       he has forty on him,   twenties and tens.    he knows she’ll need more before the week is out    —    especially if she isn’t taking hand - outs from  dad  anymore.    fully expecting to regret it,   he gives her a twenty.       ‘     go get shit - drunk or whatever the hell it is you’re spendin’ this on.    i got places to be.     ’}

_{he’s right.    and she’s willing to  bet  he knows that,  more than he’s letting on.    hesitates before snatching the bill out of his hand and shoving it in her pocket,  head down.    she can’t look him in the eye when she’s milking his paycheck for booze and drugs.    makes her feel like  shit.     ❛     it ain’t like that.     ❜     but it is.     ❛     …  you goin’ t’ work ?     ❜}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{‘     what,   you actually tried callin’ ‘em ?    and he didn’t pick up ?     ’       it could be the truth.    or,   just as easily,   it could be a load of bullshit.    wouldn’t be the first time she pulled some kind of quick and dirty  manipulation tactic  on him.    (   but if she wants to get loaded,   she’ll find a way    —    with or without his help.   )       ‘     if i find out you’re makin’ this up,   i will  beat  your skinny ass,   you feel me ?     ’}

_{❛     that’s what i said,  ain’t it ?    ❜     and it wouldn’t be far from the truth,  if she had actually picked up the phone and dialed.    (    or maybe it would have been a stretch.    she wouldn’t know because she hasn’t bothered to give anyone a call,  least of all her overbearing parents.     )     ❛     give it to me or don’t,  yo.    i ain’t got  time  to pinky swear.     ❜}