_{PERILOUSPOTION.}

^{‘ don’t let the outfit fool you. ‘  she scoffs,  the frilly top & jean skirt that’s draping her form is uncomfortable to say the least.  ‘ it’s not my .. style,  or whatever — i don’t really have one,  a style,  i mean .. ‘  it doesn’t take long to find her car,  unlock it & slip inside.  all she has to do now is wait.}

_{❛     wasn’t talkin’ ‘bout the outfit.     ❜     she doesn’t have the  face  of someone who belongs on the street.    but neither some of her friends.    ducks into the passenger side and pulls the door shut,  knapsack slung between her feet on the floorboard.     ❛     ever gonna tell me yo’  name ?     ❜}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{due at the station ten minutes ago,   he drives without a destination in mind.    away from  skid row,   giving the water a wide berth,   navigating an aimless grid downtown.    surrounded by traffic and early morning commuters as far removed from them as images on a tv screen.    he lights a cigarette out of habit,   doesn’t expect the silence to break and something tightens up under his sternum when it does.    his eyes stay on the road.}

_{wherever i was.    the coma she wasn’t supposed to wake up from,   but did.    because she’s stronger than that.}

_{‘     –––––––    you talk to her ?     ’}

_{❛     tried to.     ❜     but couldn’t  close  enough.    she was just  out of reach,  every time.    following the very  glimpse  of strawberry blonde around street corners and into buildings.    even  into the water,  where she once saw her beneath the surface.    hollow eyes open to the world.    hair  fanned out  around her in a way that made it seem peaceful.    quiet.    but most of all,  lonely.}

_{realises  now  what she didn’t then.    (    even in her subconscious,  kallie was waiting to be found.    )    fumbles around in her coat pocket for a moment,  cursing  under her breath.    pulls a cigarette from  his  pack instead and lights it,  poisoning her lungs.}

_{her hands are trembling.    she  ignores  it.    tries to play it off as a tic,  bouncing  her knee as if she’s restless.}

_{❛     i did talk to her.    once.    it was weird.    i dunno.     ❜}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{there’s a learning curve with all this for both of them.    it’s not supposed to be easy.    they’re  trying,   and that has to count for something,   right ?    most days,   he feels like he’s running on fumes.    on a reservoir of patience that should have long since dried out.    but they’re trying.}

_{he’s trying.}

_{a smile,   almost.    or the ghost of one.}

_{‘     yeah,   you  said  that.    you say that every time.    get in    —    breakfast’s on me.     ’}

_{she still hasn’t some  fight  left in her.    doesn’t give up that  quick,  no matter how bad she wants to     (    because the pain and the hurt have  burrowed  in her chest and made itself  at home  between the spaces of her ribs.    just when she thinks she’s past it,  something else  starts to bruise.    )    she won’t ever go down quietly.}

_{these  demons  have a lot of work to do before they can bring her to both knees.}

_{silent until seated in the passenger seat,  bullet shifts,  one knee bent and  tucked  against her chest.    stares out the window,  watching unfamiliar faces pass by in a blur.}

_{❛     kallie  was there.    wherever i was.    i saw her.     ❜}

_{PERILOUSPOTION.}

^{‘ big mac sounds good.  & fifteen,  yeah .. cool. ‘  she’s digging around in her bag for her car keys,  the rustling sound of empty gum wrappers & her vibrating phone loud & evident.  ‘ got ‘em. ‘  a sigh of relief spills from pink brims & with a nod of her head, she signals the way to her car,  silently asking her to follow.  ‘ where are you going to pierce me,  then ? ‘}

_{a subtle arch of the brow as she pulls a set of  keys  from her bag.    thought  the closest fast food chain was at least within  walking distance,  but everything usually was to a kid who didn’t have another choice.    a moment’s hesitation passed,  then she quietly falls into step.     ❛     in the  throat  if you try anything  sketchy.    what’re you doin’ on  this side  of town,  anyway ?    y’ look like one of them chicks that just stepped outta  cosmo,  but you’re slummin’ it by  the jungle ?     ❜}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{‘     are you  fuckin’  kidding me,   bullet ?    first you wanna  help out,   now you’re gonna turn around and act like    —     ’       like a teenager.    exactly like  he  would have acted at fifteen.    with all that bravado,   sometimes he forgets :   she’s just a kid.}

_{a sharp inward breath gives way to a sharper exhale,   misting out in front of him ;   there’s a chill in the air that seeps down marrow - deep.    the brief flare of anger that clipped his words doesn’t last longer than it takes to level his gaze.       ‘     whatever.    look,   you,   uh    —    you want me to drop you off somewhere ?    cold as hell out here,   ‘n i  know  you ain’t got’cha flu shot yet.     ’}

_{❛     ain’t actin’ like  nothin’.     ❜     she  did  want to help.    still  does.    her attitude may switch on a dime,  but that  doesn’t  mean she’s less  inclined  to lend a helping hand.}

_{let her be angry and  pick fights  because it’s the only way she knows how to cope.    let her  navigate  through this  cornucopia of emotion,  biting into each until she finds the most   ripe.    just let her go through the motions.    (    be patient with her.    )    she’ll get there.    a scowl paints her expression,  in time with the  step  taken away from the car door.     ❛     you ain’t my chauffeur.     ❜}

_{PERILOUSPOTION.}

^{at least she isn’t some fake blonde,  perfume soaked bimbo with some artificial alliterative motive.  ‘ fifteen bucks,  a shower at my place,  & an easy mac dinner. ‘  she drops her shirt,  hands raising,  waiting for an answer before letting them flop down to her sides  ( in the most ungraceful way possible ).  ‘ who can pass up easy mac ? ‘}

_{is she supposed to take it on  faith  that this girl  isn’t  a crazed  psychopath,  or that  accepting  such a generous offer won’t mean tempting fate ?    (    a woman is just as capable as a man.    )    head cants,  gaze narrowing in with  scrutiny.     ❛     fifteen,  'n a big mac from mcdonald’s.    ain’t gonna hang out at someone’s crib i don’t know.    that’s  askin’  for trouble.     ❜}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{he  did  know.    maybe he wanted to hear it from her.    in some warped,   ass - backwards way,   he’s trying to say  i get it.    trying to say that he’s been there.    getting drunk,   getting high.    just ‘cause i can.    just to feel something else.    or,   ideally,   nothing at all.    it’s the same,   but  not  the same,   because no two experiences are ever identical,   no two people tread matching paths down this ugly road.    she doesn’t know the half of what he’s done,   and he hopes to god    —    or whoever’s listening    —    that she’ll never have to find out.}

_{a scoff as he takes two steps forward,   car keys still in hand.    this is neither the time nor the place.}

_{‘     you the voice of experience now ?    we’re not doin’ this here,   get in the damn car.     ’}

_{digs her  heels  in,  chin up in  defiance,  a rebellious glint behind the eye    (    and you can’t tell by the way she’s holding herself,  shoulders  squared  and jawline taut,  but she’s beginning to feel somewhat  anxious.    )    bullet wants him to get  angry,  to raise his voice and cause a scene so she has another excuse.    the  proximity  isn’t as distanced as it once was.    fists tighten on pure reflex,  but remain in the warm pockets of her coat.}

_{the bill crinkles beneath the movement.    she wishes she’d never  asked  for it.    wishes she hadn’t gone down this road.}

_{❛     or  what ?    you gonna  drag me  into the station again ?     ❜}

_{CRAVESFREEDOM.}

              ^{she’s struck by a feeling that something’s different about her friend, something off ; a dark aura’s settled about her ( not that she believes in that hippie shit. ) but isn’t that what happens to everyone fending for themselves in a DIRTY, messed up world? no one escapes without looking like the weight of the universe itself has crushed their soul. she’s worried there’s more to the story than a bad life wearing at her, but she doesn’t say anything about it, not now. she busies her mind with bullet’s words ; she was WORRIED about her, something that brought a warmth to her core,  ❛   i was basically in lockdown — they took my phone away, had me doing some homeschool shit.   ❜   she drags her teeth over her chapped bottom lip, thinking, before a decisive smile makes its way on her face,   ❛   i think i’ll always pick breakfast.   ❜   she spins on her heel, heading off in the direction that would lead to the nearest greasy diner,   ❛   bullet, i want to pay.   ❜   she isn’t looking at her, eyes on the ground watching herself walk. how many times has bullet had her back when she had nothing? ( whether it was a place to stay, food, money ) — she OWED her.}

_{too much has  happened.    there’s been so much blood and so much  pain,  so much she hasn’t  spoken  about of her own volition,  let alone  acknowledged  with anything other than a swell of  anger.    grateful  that octavia isn’t the  prying  type,  although  part of her  longs to unload.     (     it’s  okay  to be not okay,  fifteen and grieving over too many things all at once.    it’s  okay  to be upset and want to  confide in someone  who might understand instead of forcing yourself open to someone who does nothing but  psychoanalyse  your every word.    )    a scoff parts her lips,  cracked and raw  from the chill and split at the corner,  where she took a hit two days ago.     ❛     fuck ‘em.    you  gotta  keep a low profile for a li’l while,  man.    you know they’ll be  huntin’  your ass down like a freakin’  dog.    i’ll find you a place t’ squat if you need one.     ❜     she remembers being on the run.    her first year on the streets was hell.     ❛     guess i should’a known  that.    yo,  c’mon,  i mean it.    you ain’t gonna have that scratch forever.    don’t  blow  it on some damn eggs ‘n bacon,  you feel me ?     ❜     she falls into step,  a small  quirk  at the edges of her mouth.    money isn’t as much of an issue for bullet as it is for  others,  but she’s always  hesitant  to divulge that,  and  cautious  with who she tells.     ❛     so,  who were the punk - asses that got stuck wit’cho  crazy  ass ?    bible  thumpers ?     ❜}

_{BLOODLETTERED.}

_{she  closes  her  eyes  briefly  as  her  sister  raises  her  voice,         knowing  how  much  it  probably  pains  her  to  speak  that  way.        &      so  badly,      she  wants  to  tell  her  to  stop  AGAIN,        only  to  go  against  her  wishes  to  not  tell  her  what  to  do.         she  can’t  help  it     ;      it’s  in  her  nature  to  be  protective  of  those  close  to  her.          even  if  they  hadn’t  been  close  in  YEARS  ——   rachel  was  the  most  important  person  to  her.          she  wants  her  to  be  BETTER       (     she  needs  it    ).         she  looks  back  at  her,       scoffing  at  her   attempt      &      keeping  the  cigarette  away  from  her.         she  wasn’t  going  to  let  her  continue,        not  when  she  is  like  this.        ❛    do  you  really  think  that’s  what  this  is  about?       i  don’t  care  that  you’re  in  my  room   —–     ❜          though  part  of  her  did  wonder  why,        but  she  isn’t  mad.        she  finds  it  strangely  endearing  that  she’s  here.         ❛       why  are  you  always  doing  this?     why  are  you  constantly  trying  to  risk  your  life?          it  can’t  be  fun  to  be  this  reckless  all   the  time,         is  it?     ❜}

_{she  isn’t.    despite what everyone else might believe.    all those  preconceived notions  about living on the streets,  what it  does  to a person     –––––     they’re all true.    the past  three years  have taught her a lot about taking  risks,  and there’s a sick  irony  here that she feels the need to  point out.    audrey doesn’t have a leg to  stand on.    she tries to imagine a world where the roles were  reversed.    where  her  friends were the ones being terrorised and  slaughtered.    waking up,  fearing what the day will bring.    wondering who’s going to die  next.    tries putting herself in audrey’s shoes,  the minute that trunk  unlatched  and she found her sister laying there,  still as a corpse,  blood  soaking through into the upholstery.    it’s a gut - wrenching thought.    maybe,  in this parallel universe,  bullet would be going to the  ends of the earth  to  protect  her.    (    as if she isn’t doing so already.    it’s the  only reason  she hasn’t left home and found her way back to skid row,  slit throat or no slit throat.    audrey’s  worried  about her,  and all the while she can’t help but think that she’s the one who needs protecting.    the killer  didn’t just attack bullet.    he attacked audrey  through  bullet,  deliberately,  to taunt her.     )     she looks up.    doesn’t quite know  how  to respond without dishing out  sarcasm.     ❛     the hell would  you  know about havin’  fun ?    you’re so goddamn stressed out,  your hair’s turnin’  silver.    you ever quit worryin’ about  other people  ‘n start worryin’ ‘bout yourself for a change ?     ❜}

_{ORIGINALGRILLA.}

_{‘     yeah,   i  was,   ‘cause i don’t like you  lyin’  to me.    if you’re gonna be drinkin’ my paycheck,   at least be straight up about it.   own your shit.     ’       it’s blunt,   and there’s an edge to it,   but he’s quick to dial back into something more neutral.    he isn’t  angry    —    not at her.    not for the reasons you’d think.    she was dealt a fucked - up hand and she’s trying to cope in the best way she knows how.    nobody said he had to like it.       ‘     just make sure t’ keep me in the loop,   alright ?    don’t be chasin’ down  leads  ‘n shit by yourself.    if somethin’ don’t feel right,   you back off and let me do my job.     ’}

_{❛     fine.    you  really  wanna know ?     ❜}

_{you can  smell it  on her,  soured from the rain.    malt liquor and a whiskey chaser that didn’t burn quite as bad as she anticipated.    she was  used  to it.    swallowing the truth,  bitter pill after bitter pill,  has that effect.    or maybe the  dope  she smoked just made it  seem  that way.}

_{❛     i’m jus’ doin’ the same messed up crap you did.    been gettin’ drunk.    gettin’ high,  just ‘cause i can.    it ain’t like there’s anything  better  t’ do.     ❜}

_{voiced casual,  as though they were talking about something as  menial  as the weather,  but with disparaging and spiteful undertones typical of a  fifteen year old girl  who feels as though he’s casting too much judgement.    she doesn’t care who’s around to hear it.}